-::- here i am... this is me -::-

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

h8

they say there is a thin line between love and hate. sometimes, it's either we love the person or we hate them. and worse, there are times when even if we don't want it, we end up hating the very people we used to love. i used to love you. but now...

it is all my fault. always my fault. this is what i tell myself whenever something goes wrong. i didn't try my best. if i did, then it was not enough. that's why it went wrong. things go sour because there was something i failed to do. i wasn't used to blaming other people when things don't turn out the way they should. so i put the blame on me. and take responsibility for everything.

i have always been there for you. there wasn't a single time when you needed me and you didn't find me. i even came to a point when i was willing to give my everything to you. i was willing to forget everything about me just to give you what you need and what you want. all you had to do was ask. ask anything from me, and you will get it for sure. no doubt about it.

but did you treat me fairly? were you there when i was the one in need? did you ever get up in the middle of the night when i was calling for help? when i was scared? when i needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok? when i wanted to say something, did you ever listen? i was always there to listen to everything you wanted to say, even if you were saying ugly things about people, wasn't i? why couldn't you just do the same for me? is that too much to ask?

i wanted to lean on you. to depend on you. i trusted you. i was hoping you were someone who will be there for me like i was there for you. but it ended up to be a one way thing. i was there when you needed me, but when i needed you, you were somewhere else. i end up being alone all the time. and it was just so painfully unfair.

you said i was important to you. you said you love me. i believed you. somehow, you made me feel important, needed and loved. but that wasn't for long. i was fooled. because everything you said to me was all lies. i expected you to take care of me when you said you would, but all you did was hurt me. i shouldn't have expected anything good from someone like you. you gave me nothing but pain. you hurt me so bad. you didn't even care when you saw me crying. you just asked me why i was crying but you did nothing. you couldn't even see that i was hurting, and the pain that you were causing me was making me cry so hard. and you said i was important? that you love me? all lies. either you were so good or i was too stupid to believe you. when we see someone important to us crying, at least we will offer them our shoulder to cry on, right? or a handkerchief maybe? we don't wait for them to ask us if they could cry on our shoulder or if they can borrow our handkerchief to wipe their tears away. do we?

if there was one thing i've learned from you, that was how to hate someone. i was always full of love for people around me, and there was no space for hatred in my heart. i could even love and accept the most impossible person in the world. i've always had a good person inside me who could accept even the most ugly things. but you changed me. you have made me into a person who could hate someone so much. i shouldn't have allowed you to do that. but it was too late for that. you already succeeded.

the last thing i want was to hate you or be hated by you. that's why i tried to walk away. i tried to live a life away from you. i said goodbye to you when my love and respect for you was still there. things were getting worse and i knew that the day would come when we would end up hating each other. i never wanted that. but life has its own ways of playing with people. sometimes, the more you do not want something, the more it will come to you. and when it comes, there's just no turning back. you just have to face it. there's no way in hell you can run away from it.

how dare you tell me to get the hell out of your life when we both know i was practically out of it already. i wanted you out but you didn't want to leave, so i was the one who left. i couldn't anymore go on living my life with you in it. but you kept on coming back without knowing that you were hurting me even more for doing so. are you that thick? are you that insensitive? i should be the one to tell you to get the hell out of my life. but no. i was too good to tell you those words. i won't use your language. that's just so not me.

with everything that has been said, and all the things that have been done, plus the things that we needed to do yet we didn't, i won't be surprised if you would tell it to my face that you hate me. but don't you worry because the feeling is very mutual. you hate me? i hate you twice. or a hundred times more. regrets? i don't have much of these. maybe because i'm a person who never regrets the things that she did, or the decisions that she makes. but i can say with all my heart that i regret that day that i met you and made you a part of my life. you are one of the few things that i would erase from my life if i would be given the chance to do so. if i could turn back time, i won't allow myself to get involved with you in any way. believe me... this... this is how much i hate you. i won't say anymore that it was my fault. i am too tired of saying that, too tired of blaming myself. i have to respect myself a little more. it's about time i put the blame on someone else. if it wasn't mine, and i say it wasn't, whose fault would that be? i am giving you the pleasure to answer that.

oh well... congratulations. you have finally gained access to the full of hatred side of me. you must be good because no one else has done that before. i wish you a nice life and lots of good luck, because i'm pretty sure you would be having a difficult time finding one.



9 Comments:

Blogger Syed Siddique Sharaf said...

hi, i cud understand ur feelings... whoever u two are .. please please try to lessen the feeling of hatred ...

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi! i understand what you feel it's because we're on the same boat as for the moment..as i was reading ur post i felt like i was the one saying that words u've written on it.. "a love and hate collide".. love and life is such a great risks that we are about to take the turns, the ups and downs with confidence.. forgive and move on is the best thing we should do.. gud day!

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

:(

1:09 PM  
Blogger shadowlane said...

anonymous: thanks for the comment. i was just letting out. hehe. anyways, what's with the sad face?

1:21 PM  
Blogger citrus said...

a marathon vent :) wow!

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"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

-::- About Me -::-

Name: shadowlane

Location: Pasig City, Philippines

people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.

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