-::- here i am... this is me -::-

Sunday, March 27, 2005


i attended a funeral this afternoon. well, i was forced to attend. i didn't wanna go because i was busy working on my blog, making changes, adding stuff, etc. but my grandmother was so persistent that i decided to go. i wasn't up to having any arguments with her.

anyways... she was a neighbour, an old woman, maybe about 65 years old. i didn't particularly like her when i was a kid. well, all of the kids in the neigbourhood didn't like her. for the little people, she was a witch. she would always shout at children and make them stop playing. she would splash water to the ground to stop the kids from running around. i didn't know a single kid who grew up liking her.

even the old people never seemed to like her so much. if she was a witch to the little kids, she was a bitch to the older ones. sure she has lots of friends. but all of them has a little something bad to say about her. and about her children. and about her family as a whole. she wasn't nice. in the afternoons, the neighbours used to play bingo and they say she cheats. she would change cards even if the numbers were already being called out. at the end of the game, she will owe someone a few bucks and won't pay it back. there were times when i played bingo with them and i myself had some bad bingo experiences with her. [i was the bingo princess hehehe] start asking people about her and i'm pretty sure they will say a lot of bad things and only a few good ones. some people even joked that they should play the song 'pasaway' at the funeral march.

i didn't care much about it when i was getting older. for me, she was an old lady that needs to be understood a little more and be patient with. if i see something bad that she does, i would simply let it go or ignore it. and then i will just tell myself "ahh.. old people".

she was always smirking if you see her pass by. always had a hard face. if it was just her nature, i wasn't sure. but she was nice sometimes. she would start a small talk when she sees me, which i usually answer with an 'opo' or just a nod. because she knew i was working in a company that makes bathroom tissues and table napkins, and she was aware that i do bring home some 'reject' from work, she would secretly ask me if she could have some napkins. 'ilalagay ko lang sa likod ng apo ko' has always been her excuse. though i didn't like her, i would always say yes because she always had the good reasons when she asks for things. i would secretly give her a pack of table napkins, sometimes two. we would have this silent agreement that my grandmother will never know about it. the two women didn't get along well. they used to always fight about something. it makes me laugh sometimes when i see them acting like kids. well... old people.

i still remember her face. the thin lips that always had red lipstick on. the eyebrows that were perfectly plucked and penciled. the dark eyes that were deep. the short hair that was always brown. as a child, and even when i was growing up, i have been amazed by how well she looked. the make up and accessories and everything. oh.. and there's one thing that i think i will never forget about her. she smokes. in a weird way. she puts the lighted end of the cigarette inside her mouth. and that's not all. she talks while smoking that way. once, i tried doing it and i felt sick. i'm still wondering now how she did it. maybe i should try it again sometime.


people say that once you die, you will know what kind of a person you were when you were still alive. the number of people that will go to your wake will somehow tell what kind of life you lived. if no one goes... well... but from what i saw, there were too many people who went. if what people say was true, well, maybe she was nice after all.

i found it funny that her children and their children, as well as her other relatives were crying in the church after the service. from what i remember, these people never showed her that they cared when she was still alive. it wasn't a surprise that the neighbours didn't respect her so much. but her family not respecting her was something else. the little grandchildren, little as they were, used to shout at her when she was trying to stop them from doing things. even her children didn't respect her. she cursed them, they cursed her back. it makes me shiver when i think about it. a child cursing his own mother. is it because she was a bad parent, or simply, she had been given evil kids? maybe she wasn't a good kid herself. maybe she cursed her mother, too. that's why she was given children who cursed her. but if this was the case, then maybe her mother wasn't a good kid either. and it will go on and on. damn my thoughts.

funerals make me sick. especially this one. people cry, but i'm always not sure if they cry because they lost a loved one, or they cry just to make a show. if they didn't care about the person who died while she was still living, then why on earth will they care now that she's dead? maybe they realized what she meant to them now that she was gone... but aren't they too late for that? ahh... maybe she stated in her last will and testament, if ever there was one, that the relative who cried the most will take the bigger part of the properties she left behind. fine... fine... i was trying to be funny, alright?!

well... maybe i should end this with a reminder that we should never forget to tell our family and all the people we love, how much we love them and how much we care for them. make them feel loved and cared for NOW... while they are still here... and not later when they can't smell the flowers anymore.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


another gloomy day.

i think of you and the way you make me smile.
how you make my day better when it starts the wrong way.
hell days that turn out to be great ones because of you.

i drift away.

and into the other world, i go.
our world.
where everything is sweet.
and everything works out the way we wanted.

no worries.
no heartaches.
no tears.
no pain.

i smile.

in here, i will remain.
to share my solitude with you.
in a world only known to us.
my refuge.
my hiding place.
my home.

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picture courtesy of http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/16195458/

Monday, March 14, 2005

check mate

the first was good. something to smile about coz the first normally sucks. shoot me if this ain't true.
the second was better. hmmm... pretty interesting. you both were getting in to it, perhaps.
the third was great. like you've been doing it with each other for years. cheers!

two hours of casual sex. no, not really. it was more of two hours in a private room. not sure about how many minutes were consumed doing sex, how many minutes were spent talking nonsense, and how many minutes of silence, just lay there doing and saying nothing. listening to each other's heartbeats? maybe. thinking about the next move? maybe. no one really knows what the defeaning silence was all about. two hours. three hits. or should i say rounds instead of hits? whatever.

oh by the way, the book says it's eleven minutes per... hmmm... session? foreplay not included. so if it's 3, then the minutes consumed doing sex would be more or less 33. but then again, there's foreplay. hehehe.

fun? hot? intense? sure, it seemed passionate at some point. and yeah, sweet. like you were in love or something. but reality check: casual = meaningless. no feelings involved. no emotional attachment. no commitment. the whispered words, the silent screams, the body language, the way you called each other's names... these were just said and done for the heck of it. it doesn't necessarily mean anything. so just let it be. don't think like it means something. maybe the situation was calling for it.

but the moment you pick up your clothes and start getting dressed, and the moment you step out of the room you shared for two hours, well sometimes three... four... doesn't really matter how long... everything will be gone. as if nothing happened. you won't even talk about it, or ask if you are going to see each other again. you shared something. you did something. maybe it was magical. but magical as it may seem, it's just casual. and casual IS casual. plain and simple sex. NOTHING more.

what happens next? you whine? you spend hours and hours thinking about what happened and why you let it happen? then you regret what you did? i think not! come on. you should know and do better than that. you thought you were grown up enough to allow yourself to get into that situation? now, be grown up enough to get out of it. leave it. let it go. forget. move on. the other person has forgotten. you should too. it was just casual in the first place. no one asks what's next. so just forget and go on with life. plain and simple.

anyway... i'm not sure why i'm writing about this thing. this article was specially written for those people who engage in casual sex and start to go crazy about it the next day. casual is casual. don't make a big deal out of it. don't let the other person make a fool out of you by being too affected. don't let your head spin too much. otherwise, don't even think of getting into a situation that you cannot handle. to all those who can relate... more so, to all those who got offended... my apologies. no intention to offend whatsoever. i'm merely pouring out my thoughts.

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

i've been tagged!

disclaimer: i don't normally do this kind of thing.. but just for friendship's sake... anjiedy, you are gonna pay for this, big time! hehehe... what the heck.. here goes...

Tag I'm IT! I've been tagged by anjiedy ...

My Favorite...

1.color: black

2.flower: roses, regardless of the color

3.perfume: ck1

4.author: grisham, sparks, coelho, albom, etc

5.book: the five people you meet in heaven, eleven minutes, arrggg... lots!!!

6.condiment: ketchup

7.shoes: err.. rubber shoes?

8.local channel: kapamilya

9.beauty product: lips stick, pressed powder, blush on

10.magazine: not really into magazines

11.cookie: anything that has chocolate in it

12.ice-cream: double dutch

13.chocolate: are we talking brand name here? well... anything would do

14.junk food: burgers, potato chips, ahmm... are chocolates junk?

15.restaurant: ahmm...

16.month/s: december

17.number: five

18.day: saturday

19.fast food joint: kfc, mcdonald's

20.t.v.show: survivor series, will & grace, etc

21.car: gotta learn to drive first.. lol

22.comedian: robin williams

23.subject: english, math

24.radio station: rx 93.1

25.occasion: christmas

26.cartoon character: next!

27.fashion designer: eh?

28.clothing store: divi hahahahaha

29.pet: dog, cat

30.athlete: pass

31.sport: volleyball, basketball

32.sports theme: come again???

33.jeans: jag, penshoppe

34.season: winter... yeah right hehehe

35.hobby/ies: [reading] books, [listening to] music, blogging, [watching] movies

36.accessory: anything silver

37.fruit: banana?

38.vacation spot: baguio

39.drinK: coffee, beer

40.food: chicken, pasta, sweets

41.hang-out: what the hell does that mean? hehehe

42.dessert: ice cream, chocolate cake, leche flan

43.movie: lots

44.cable channel: pass

45.website: http:// ... hehehe

46.toothpaste: close up, colgate

47.cake: black forrest, chocolate roll

48.expression: what the??

49.attire: jeans, shirt, rubber shoes

50.place: where?

who am i gonna pass this thing to? hey, shane! your turn.

time to strangle some neck now. hehehe. anjiedy!! where the #$%& are you???

Friday, March 04, 2005

new toy

i've got a new toy !!! [view here]
bought it last night.
wee-hee!! la lang. wala lang akong ma-post.
wala rin akong oras magsulat.
tsaka na ang wento, mga prends!

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

-::- About Me -::-

Name: shadowlane

Location: Pasig City, Philippines

people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.

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