-::- here i am... this is me -::-

Tuesday, September 28, 2004


they say there is a thin line between love and hate. sometimes, it's either we love the person or we hate them. and worse, there are times when even if we don't want it, we end up hating the very people we used to love. i used to love you. but now...

it is all my fault. always my fault. this is what i tell myself whenever something goes wrong. i didn't try my best. if i did, then it was not enough. that's why it went wrong. things go sour because there was something i failed to do. i wasn't used to blaming other people when things don't turn out the way they should. so i put the blame on me. and take responsibility for everything.

i have always been there for you. there wasn't a single time when you needed me and you didn't find me. i even came to a point when i was willing to give my everything to you. i was willing to forget everything about me just to give you what you need and what you want. all you had to do was ask. ask anything from me, and you will get it for sure. no doubt about it.

but did you treat me fairly? were you there when i was the one in need? did you ever get up in the middle of the night when i was calling for help? when i was scared? when i needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok? when i wanted to say something, did you ever listen? i was always there to listen to everything you wanted to say, even if you were saying ugly things about people, wasn't i? why couldn't you just do the same for me? is that too much to ask?

i wanted to lean on you. to depend on you. i trusted you. i was hoping you were someone who will be there for me like i was there for you. but it ended up to be a one way thing. i was there when you needed me, but when i needed you, you were somewhere else. i end up being alone all the time. and it was just so painfully unfair.

you said i was important to you. you said you love me. i believed you. somehow, you made me feel important, needed and loved. but that wasn't for long. i was fooled. because everything you said to me was all lies. i expected you to take care of me when you said you would, but all you did was hurt me. i shouldn't have expected anything good from someone like you. you gave me nothing but pain. you hurt me so bad. you didn't even care when you saw me crying. you just asked me why i was crying but you did nothing. you couldn't even see that i was hurting, and the pain that you were causing me was making me cry so hard. and you said i was important? that you love me? all lies. either you were so good or i was too stupid to believe you. when we see someone important to us crying, at least we will offer them our shoulder to cry on, right? or a handkerchief maybe? we don't wait for them to ask us if they could cry on our shoulder or if they can borrow our handkerchief to wipe their tears away. do we?

if there was one thing i've learned from you, that was how to hate someone. i was always full of love for people around me, and there was no space for hatred in my heart. i could even love and accept the most impossible person in the world. i've always had a good person inside me who could accept even the most ugly things. but you changed me. you have made me into a person who could hate someone so much. i shouldn't have allowed you to do that. but it was too late for that. you already succeeded.

the last thing i want was to hate you or be hated by you. that's why i tried to walk away. i tried to live a life away from you. i said goodbye to you when my love and respect for you was still there. things were getting worse and i knew that the day would come when we would end up hating each other. i never wanted that. but life has its own ways of playing with people. sometimes, the more you do not want something, the more it will come to you. and when it comes, there's just no turning back. you just have to face it. there's no way in hell you can run away from it.

how dare you tell me to get the hell out of your life when we both know i was practically out of it already. i wanted you out but you didn't want to leave, so i was the one who left. i couldn't anymore go on living my life with you in it. but you kept on coming back without knowing that you were hurting me even more for doing so. are you that thick? are you that insensitive? i should be the one to tell you to get the hell out of my life. but no. i was too good to tell you those words. i won't use your language. that's just so not me.

with everything that has been said, and all the things that have been done, plus the things that we needed to do yet we didn't, i won't be surprised if you would tell it to my face that you hate me. but don't you worry because the feeling is very mutual. you hate me? i hate you twice. or a hundred times more. regrets? i don't have much of these. maybe because i'm a person who never regrets the things that she did, or the decisions that she makes. but i can say with all my heart that i regret that day that i met you and made you a part of my life. you are one of the few things that i would erase from my life if i would be given the chance to do so. if i could turn back time, i won't allow myself to get involved with you in any way. believe me... this... this is how much i hate you. i won't say anymore that it was my fault. i am too tired of saying that, too tired of blaming myself. i have to respect myself a little more. it's about time i put the blame on someone else. if it wasn't mine, and i say it wasn't, whose fault would that be? i am giving you the pleasure to answer that.

oh well... congratulations. you have finally gained access to the full of hatred side of me. you must be good because no one else has done that before. i wish you a nice life and lots of good luck, because i'm pretty sure you would be having a difficult time finding one.

what's the color of the sky?

blue daw sabi ni kramer. hehehe.

i was able to watch the concert of BLUE last saturday. it was fun.. i had so much fun. specially that i've got no plans of seeing it at all. it was just a lucky day for me.

i wasn't really a BLUE fan. though i had to admit that i loved most of their songs. it was my best friend dolly who really wanted to go see the concert, but we were out of funds. poor us. hehehe. i was so excited when i was telling her i was able to get two tickets, at no cost.

the songs were great. the band was so cool. i was like dancing when they were doing fast songs. not to mention that i was screaming a lot. well, that's what i do when i watch concerts : scream a lot. hehe. i almost cried when they did GUILTY and SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD. dunno. the songs really hit me. at one point, i was holding dolly while the band was playing a senti song... and i asked her... aren't you missing someone? she just looked at me and smiled. she didn't have to answer my question, for i knew the answer already. she was missing someone, and even if she doesn't say it, i knew she was hoping she was with someone else and not me. too bad i was the one who gave her the ticket, so she basically didn't have a choice. hah! but no worries coz apparently, i was feeling the same way. i wished i was with someone else, too. i wished i was with ... hmmm... my mom! yeah, i wish i was watching the concert with my mom and holding her hand while listening to the sweet songs. damn i missed her so much. hehehe.
[me to myself : convince me more!]

it was basically a great night. great show. i made my best friend happy, and i had fun myself. and i have been making my ears bleed from listening to BLUE songs for two days now. just can't get enough, eh?

special thanks to sir raffy b. i owe you big time :)

Friday, September 24, 2004


iba't ibang kalye
liku-likong daan
di lubos maunawaan
kung saan pupunta
saan liliko
saan patutungo

piniling tahakin
ang daan patungo sa'yo
walang ibang hawak
kundi ang pag-asang
tatanggapin mo
ng buong puso
ang pagdating ko

mga matang may ningning
init ng yakap na inaasam
mga salitang kaytagal hinintay marinig
mabilis na pagtibok ng puso
mga pangarap
na mananatiling palang pangarap lang

kasabay ng marahang pagpatak ng luha
ang unti-unting paghakbang palayo sa'yo
pabalik sa lugar na pinagmulan
kung saan wala ka
kung saan kailangan mabuhay mag-isa
kasabay ng pangako sa sarili
na kailanman
ay hindi ka na lilingunin pa
kung kaya ko lang sana

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

uwian na

kaibigan kita
kaya mahal kita
nandito ako
para sayo
kahit anong oras
kahit saan
kahit kailan
handa kang damayan
isang tawag lang
lilipad, tatakbo
patungo sayo
kakalimutan ang lahat
maipakita lang sayo
na mahalaga ka
sa buhay ko
pero pare
marami nang nagbago
kaibigan kita
masakit man
pero kailangan
mahal kita
pero ayawan na
aalis na ko
hindi dahil
gusto kitang iwan
kundi dahil
hindi ko kayang
na ako
ay kaibigan mo lang

Monday, September 20, 2004


mahal kita
mahal na mahal pa nga yata
ok na ko dun
masaya na ko

sabi mo
pasensya na
dahil hindi mo alam
kung masusuklian mo
ang sinabi ko

ayoko ng sukli
dahil ang sukli
barya lang
walang kwenta kung iisipin
kung ganun din lang
wag na
hindi ko kailangan
gaya ng sinabi ko
masaya na ko
na alam kong mahal kita

hindi mo kailangan
ang isang bagay
na hindi mo kayang ibigay
lalung-lalo na
kung hindi naman
hinihingi sayo

- hindi ako galit.
nasasaktan lang siguro. -


savor the experience

two lost souls became one.
what will happen next?
who knows?
i don't.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

summer wind

the summer wind came blowin' in from across the sea...
michael buble plays smoothly on the background.

now i don't feel like writing. i just want to relax, lie down a bit, and listen to the songs. wham!!!! get up and start workin, you lazy little creature. wehehehe.

i don't know what's with me, but i never really liked going to the movies. i prefer watching films at home, play a scene over and over if i wanted to, push the pause button if i have to go to the bathroom or answer a text or take a nap or whatever. i only go when friends ask me, i only initiate when i wanted to spend time with someone special. weehee.


a story of love that lasts forever.
a story that has been told over and over.
a story which the storyteller never got tired of telling his sole listener.

typical. not out of the ordinary. boy meets girl for the first time. asks her out. girl says no simply because she didn't want to. boy hangs himself on to a ferris wheel just so the girl would say yes. now, that is out of the ordinary. crazy. stupid. and it worked.

rich girl. poor boy. fell in love. witch mother of the girl comes in, saying she doesn't want a 'trash' for her daughter. do i have to say what's next? nah.. you practically know how it goes.

a letter each day, three hundred sixty five letters for one whole year. reaching out. making the other person feel that he's just there, waiting for her to come back. is there anything sweeter than that? there is. if only she was able to see what was written in those letters. the bitch's wrath.

dream house. used to be his dream house.
big and white, a porch where they can have tea together and chill out, a window with a nice view so she can paint. her dream house, the place where she would spend the rest of her life with him. done. all by the man himself. while she was in the arms of another man she was going to marry.

two people who were very much in love with each other. separated by fate. what's the best thing to do next? pick up the pieces. try to forget. move on. find someone else to love and be loved by. she did. he didnt. instead, he lived by his promises and fulfilled them all.

he tries to be with someone else, tries to move on as he was expected to. but he couldn't even look at the eyes of his new girl without searching for the old one.

just when she thought she was ready to start a life with someone new, she realizes that she has some sort of unfinished things with her past love. she looks back. goes back. tries to settle things with him, only to find out that she wasn't over him. she never did. at all.

a trip by the lake. it was simply amazing. stunning. beautiful. romantic. nothing i've ever seen before. no nice words could ever describe the feeling. the scene made me cry. i'm in love with the idea of being in love.

rain. kiss. tears. bed. somebody wake me up!!! [another box of tissue, please]

she was back. or so he thought. that's what i thought, too. but it was too good to be true. next thing he knew, he was losing her again. she was leaving him again. he lost her once, twice. will she ever come back? he didn't know. i didn't either. it was all over. for the second time.

she did come back. this time, it was for good. she didn't say anything, didn't promise to stay. but he knew she won't leave him again. every story has an ending. i want this to end with they lived happily ever after. they did.

one peaceful night... when he didn't have to tell her the story of their love and life... when every good and sometimes bitter sweet memories were all clear in her mind... while holding each other's hands, they slept. never to wake up again.

a story of love that lasts forever... and for eternity.

- the notebook -
behind every great love is a great story


[not tonight, sweetheart.... why are you calling me sweetheart? i don't know you. who are you? don't touch me...]

woopssss.... very 50 first dates-ish. LOL. i'm getting a little too serious with what i'm writing. i better snap out of it a bit.

ok... serious mode back on, please :)

love has no boundaries. if two people were meant to be together, they will be together no matter what. whatever it takes. people will come. people will go. distance won't matter. even if you don't see each other for years,and thought that the love you had for each other went down the drain, there will come a day when you will see each other again. unplanned. unexpected. it will just happen. and when it happens, you will end up telling yourself... it was worth all the wait.

i can only give you love that lasts forever, and a promise to be near each time you call. and the only heart i own for you and you alone. that's all... that's all.

and the song goes on...
and another...
and another.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

para kay sir

happy birthday, mahal!
have a good one.


what am i doing here?
i don't know.
i'm not even sure if i'm doing it right.
but everybody's got a chance.
it's about time i take mine.

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

-::- About Me -::-

Name: shadowlane

Location: Pasig City, Philippines

people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.

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