teaser

The wind was blowing straight on my face. My eyes were half closed, adjusting to the darkness. Maybe I was just imagining it, but it was as if I could smell the sea. I was too close to the water. And beside me, there you were.

I was smoking my second stick and you were getting furious about it. You have told me so many times to quit it, but being my stubborn self, I just don't want to. I wanted to smoke. I needed to smoke. Because deep inside my head, I was having thoughts that maybe you weren't even aware of. I was analyzing myself, asking myself what I was doing here. Why did I come here with you in the first place? And as fast as the question went came the answer: because I love you. And I want to spend some time alone with you. No doubt about it anymore.

You were sitting very close to me. I think it was the first time I ever got to you this close. I was sometimes looking at you only to find out that you were looking at me, too. The view was perfect. Even if it was dark, I could imagine that the water was clear and there were creatures happily having a great time in it. The moon was shining proudly in the sky. The stars weren't so many, but with you sitting very close beside me, holding my hand, it was just perfect. Like nothing could go wrong.

I had the very strong urge to touch your face and kiss you. But I wasn't so sure. I didn't want to do something that would probably spoil the moment. But you were so close. At times you would lie with your head on my lap and it was simply freaking hard to hold myself back. So I joked. I told you not to stay too close to me and not to look at me the way you were doing. You asked why. I said because there is something that I wanna do so bad. You asked what. I said to kiss you. You laughed. That kind of laugh that implies that I just said the most gross thing there was. I laughed with you. But the urge was still there, and even growing stronger. I contented myself in just holding you.

After like endless minutes, you said it was time to go back to the house. It was getting cold and it was late. We were both tired. Almost four hours on the road was no joke. I didn't want to leave the sea, but the wisest thing to do was go inside the house with you. So I went along.

Being so got used to sleeping on the couch at home, I thought your bed was so huge. I found comfort in it. I'm not really used to sleeping in a different house, but I found myself surprisingly comfortable lying down on your bed. Maybe because you were there, lying beside me. I was wondering what was gonna happen next. I was laughing inside at myself because I still had that thought of kissing you. I was going crazy in a funny way.

Strange. I felt so tired but my body just didn't wanna doze off. I just found my heart beating a bit faster than it was supposed to. I asked you if you could feel it. You said it felt normal. You were kidding. I know you were, for it was as if I was hearing my own heartbeat with my very ears.

You were embracing me from my back. I felt the warmth of your body next to mine. I haven't felt so secured like that for a long time. Then you started to move the tip of your finger down my arm, on my face, on my ears. I started to take deep breaths. Was I getting excited? I wasn't sure. But I will be lying to myself if I will say I didn't like the feeling. It was a new thing for me, being touched by you like that. Because the most I had with you was a peck on the cheek. Nothing more.

It was all going on too slow, and fast at the same time. You were playing with my skin with the tip of your finger, and I was craving for more. I wanted more, but I was afraid to ask. I didn'tknow what you had in mind. I just found myself getting closer to you, hoping you'd understand what I wanted to say. What I wanted to happen. And you did.

Then you kissed me. At last! You were kissing me and I kissed you back. Your hands and your mouth were exploring my body like it was the first time you saw another human body apart from yours. And whenever I feel your warm hands touch an inch of me, I'd flinch inside. But I didn't want you to stop. Just go on and never stop. For you set my body on fire, something that I wasn't even aware of being possible, at least not with you. I was even surprised with myself, for I was doing something for the first time, yet it felt like I have been doing it forever. Exactly how I felt when I was on the shore with you. It was simply perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong.

And with so much pleasure and intense heat, I wanted to scream my heart out. But no. I couldn't. I shouldn't. For it should be a secret between us that nobody must know. It's a secret that should be well kept, at least for now. I have no idea for how long.

Amidst all that, I was able to tell you the words that I have been keeping to myself for quite a while. For the first time in two months that i've been with you, I found the courage to tell you straight in the face that I love you. No hesitation. No thinking if it was right or wrong. No more. I simply put into words how I feel. You may not have any way of knowing, but right after I said those words, I cried. Silent tears just fell down my eyes because it was a moment when I have indeed accepted and admitted to myself that I have been loving you well too deep all this time. I struggled long enough to fight this feeling, but I simply cannot go on with this fight anymore. I was scared to admit it before, for I know that once I accepted it, I will have as well to accept the fact that I will be facing a very difficult and complicated life. I wasn't ready for that. I still am not ready, but I don't care much anymore. Being honest with myself and with you was all that matters. Let time take care of the rest.

I waited for you to say you love me, too. Even if I already know it too well. But you didn't say the words I was expecting to hear. Instead, you said you love me so much. Very much. And with all the strength left in me, I finally gave up the fight. I surrendered myself to you, the whole of me. My heart, my body, my soul. I'm all yours now. And if there's anything more left, I would still be willing to give it to you. With this thought, I let out one last deep breath and one last silent scream before I allowed the darkness to embrace me.

I was only asking for a kiss. But i got more than what I wanted. Some parts of me that I have been missing, that I didn't know were just there. I felt like I know myself even more now that before. It's simply an overwhelming feeling.

I was smiling. I couldn't help myself. For I know it now. I want you. I am in love with you. I was smiling, realizing the fact that for the first time in my life, I have made love to another woman.

ulap

gusto kong lumipad
patungo sa isang lugar
malayo.. malayung-malayo
kasama ng mga anghel.

pero ang problema,
wala akong pakpak
kaya gustuhin ko man...
hindi ko naman kaya.

nandito na lang ako
walang ibang kayang gawin
kundi ang tumingin sa lugar
na ni hindi man lang maabot ng tanaw.

ikaw, na hindi kayang abutin
kahit anong pilit man ang gawin
tumatanaw ka rin ba sa kawalan
patungo sa lugar na kinatatayuan ko?

dahil hindi ko kayang lumipad,
sana na lang, isang araw
dumating ka at ilipad ako
sa tulong ng mga pakpak mo.

system halted

maganda ang pasok ng umaga. for a change. it was a crappy day yesterday. monday pa naman. i expect it to be a bad week. but not really. may mga bad moments, pero may mga feel good pa rin naman kahit papa'no. pang-offset.

palabas ako ng street namin kanina papunta sa work, nakita ko yung childhood kras ko, si arnold, nagbabasa ng dyaryo sa kubo. pinsan sya ng isa sa mga kapitbahay prends. minsan ko na lang makita yun. sa ibang planeta na kase sya nakatira. dumadalaw-dalaw na lang. well, kras ko sya during grade and high school days. pero bata pa ko nun. ahead sya sa'kin ng six or seven years ata. natural, hindi naman ako papansinin nun during those days. pero hindi ko na sya kras ngayon. malaki na 'ko eh. pagkakita nya sa'kin, smile sya. syempre, smile back. tapos tumayo sya, lumapit, sumabay maglakad palabas. umakbay, sabay chika kung kamusta daw work, blah blah. wala naman syang balak lumabas talaga. ihahatid lang pala ako hanggang makasakay ng tricycle. answit! at akbayan ito. hehe. sige na nga, oo na.. kras ko pa ren sya. slight. para nga akong high school kid na nagba-blush. akbay pa lang yan. hehehe. bagalan natin ng onte ang lakad para mas matagal ang akbayan. wahahahahaha!

teka, teka... sino ba sa mga kapitbahay ko ang nagbabasa ng blog ko?!!!
[isip]
oist, weng! sikwet, ha? hihihihi [malandeng tawa]

kahapon...

bad moment. sad moment. frustrating moment. i received a message from the only person who can either make or break me. si angel. ang aga-aga pa lang. masyadong malaki ang participation ni angel sa buhay ko, na capable syang pasayahin ang araw ko sa isang simpleng text lang, at the same time, he's also capable of giving me a miserable life, sa isang simpleng text lang din. baket ba kase nauso pa ang text messaging. kung pwede ko lang syang puntahan kahapon at kutusan para ma-realize nya kung ano'ng kaplipan na naman ang ginagawa nya, na nakakapagpa-plip din sa'kin. paksyet na life.

late morning, dumating si DHL boi. a stranger who can make me smile without me knowing it. kras ko nga sya eh. napapag-usapan na rin lang ang mga kras-kras. wehehehe. dati, pag dumarating sya para magpa-receive ng documents, contented na 'kong tingnan lang sya. itinitigil ko talaga kung anuman ang ginagawa ko para lang tingnan sya. pogi, eh. tsaka mukhang mabango. eh bihira ata sa mga messengers ang mukhang mabango. tapos one time, many months ago, ako ang nag-receive ng dala nya. sinadya kong hindi lagyan ng printed name ang sheet na pinapirmahan nya. naturally, hindi sya umalis agad. sabi nya, "ma'am, print mo naman name mo". ako naman, habang print ng name, sabi ko, "number ko, ayaw mo?" hehehe... talk about style! pero hindi ako seryosong ibibigay ko talaga ang number ko, ice breaker lang yun kumbaga. [defensive] since then, naging chums na kami. pag dumarating sya, dumederecho na sya sa table ko para magpa-receive, nakikipagkulitan. uhuyyy... close! matagal din syang hindi napunta ng office. kahapon lang ulet. sakiting bata kase. medyo paos pa nga sya kahapon nung sinabi nya sa'kin... "musta na? na-miss kita, ah!" wushu!!! the catch: kamukhang-kamukha nya si angel. yun lang!

nag-lunch out kami ni bes kahapon sa shang. actually, may ka-meet kase sya kaya sya lumabas. eh dahil isa akong epal na tao, sabi ko, sama na lang ako sa kanya tas mag-grocery ako habang punta sya dun sa kausap nya. saglit lang naman yung meeting nila, so sabay pa rin kaming nag-lunch. bago kami bumalik ng office, nagpunta sya washroom. hinintay ko na lang sya sa radio city. hindi ako mahilig bumili ng cd. mas preferred ko ang libro kesa sa cd. pero paker na rainsong yun ng imago, sobrang patay na patay ako sa kantang yun, gusto ko tuloy bumili ng luma nilang album. ilang record bars na rin ang napuntahan ko, pero wala. nagtanong na 'ko sa radio city a few weeks back kung meron sila, eh out of "stocks" daw sabi nung babae. nagbaka-sakali lang ako ulet, pero wala talaga. wahhhh!!! nagtanong na lang ako kung may cd na sila ng acoustic album ni alanis. wala naman akong balak bumili, nagtanong lang ako. eh ibinigay ng babae... pagkita ko, nangati yung kamay ko, sabay kuha ng wallet, hugot ng credit card, may i swipe sa counter. antanga ko... nasanay ako sa opm cd's na 250 to 300 pesos lang ang presyo, hindi ko na tinanong kung magkano yung alanis. pagpirma ko sa resibo, 425 pesos ampotah. woah! hehehe... kung pede lang bawiin hahaha! pero sabi nga ni bes, ayus lang yun, masaya ka naman. tama naman sya! lagi ko ngang sinasabi, pag may gusto kang bilhin, kahit mahal basta gusto mo at ikakasaya mo, sige lang, bili lang ng bili. treat yourself, ika nga. mahal ko yung si alanis, so ayos na rin. asenso ng onte... dati, pa cassette-cassette lang... ngayon, pa cd-cd na.

nung college ako, and during the early working years, mahilig talaga ako bumili ng cassette. plip pa nga ako dati, pag nasa mall tas napadaan sa record bar tas maganda sa pandinig ko yung pinapatugtog na song, bibili na agad ako ng cassette. pero never pa ko bumili ng cd. the first and only time na bumili ako ng cd, it was a few months ago. cd ng orange and lemons ... ipinamigay ko lang. i wonder... napapatugtog pa kaya ang cd na yun?

anyways...

it's very unlikely for me to write at this hour of the day. at dito pa sa office. wala, eh. walang magawa. sira ang server. manual invoicing kami for two days now. kahapon, sa hindi ko alam na kadahilanan eh ayaw bumukas ng server. to the rescue ang technician, kelangan nyang dalhin sa kung saan ang cpu ng server, ngayon daw ibabalik.

kaya walang choice... manual invoicing, a.k.a. sulat kamay. kakapagod. nakakatawa pa kung iisipin kase nung nag-start akong mag work dito four years ago, manual invoicing naman talaga. mid last year lang naging computerized invoicing. ehyun nga... nawindang ang server. kaya back to the old ways. sulat galore. kung tutuusin, wala dapat reklamo kase ganun naman ang gawa dati. pero dahil nga nasanay sa mas madaling paraan, reklamo dito, reklamo dun ang maririnig mo sa mga tao. lahat kase, gumagamit na nung program. kaya lahat, apektado. nakakairita, pero hindi mo rin masisi. dahil ako mismo, mainit din ang ulo dahil sa lintik na dami ng kelangan sulatin. hindi nga siguro maiiwasan... na kapag nasanay ka sa isang bagay tapos biglang mawawala, lalo na kung hindi mo naman gustong mawala, ramdam na ramdam mo talaga yung difference.

dati, kapag may nawawala, ang parati kong sinasabi, kaya kong mabuhay ng wala sya. kase, nakaya ko namang mabuhay dati nung wala pa sya. pag wala na sya, parang babalik lang ako sa dating kong buhay. simple. nga ba? simpleng sabihin, pero pag andyan na, mahirap pa ring gawin. pinipilit na lang gawin kase wala naman nang ibang choice. kung pwede lang sanang wala na lang mawawala.

sana bumalik na ang server.

alkohol

"buong buhay ko, lahat ng lalaki, ang tingin sa'kin, mumurahing babae ako. pero ikaw lang... ikaw lang ang nagparamdam sa'kin nun. akala ko iba ka. magaling ka lang mag-english. mayaman ka lang. pero katulad ka rin nila. pare-pareho kayong mga lalaki. pare-pareho kayong walang kwenta! wag ka ng magpapakita sa'kin kahit kelan. lalo na sa anak ko. ayokong mahawa sya ng kahayupan mo."

or something to that effect...

dialogue yan ni judy anne santos kay ryan agoncillo sa isang eksena sa maalaala mo kaya... bago mag-commercial. ngayon-ngayon lang.

walang kinalaman ang dialogue na yan sa buhay ko. pero ewan ko ba... sobrang apektado ako ng eksena. umiiyak kase sya, eh. ramdam na ramdam ko yung sakit na nararamdaman nya habang sinasabi nya yan. nakakaiyak ang pag-iyak nya, ang husay. artista nga!

tapos... umiyak na rin ako. isang eksena lang pala sa tv at medyo maka-bagbag damdaming linya lang pala ang katapat ko para umiyak ng ganito. hindi ko na napigilan ang paglabas ng nakakalunod na emosyon. sakit, lungkot, galit, hinanakit sa buhay. sa kung anu-anong dahilan. umiyak ako ng umiyak na parang walang bukas. audition piece? siguro.

ang jologs! potah! sheng na ko! makatulog na nga lang!

por yirs

anniversary ko sa work ngayon.

four years na... yey!!!

maraming nakakatawa, nakakatuwa, nakakabwiset, nakaka uplift ng spirit, at kung anu-ano pang nakaka ang nangyari sa nakalipas na four years. dito, sa table kung saan ako nagsusulat ngayon, at sa apat na sulok ng opisinang 'to.

ilang beses ko na ring binalak umalis dito. pero wala, eh... mas maraming pa ring masayang factors kesa sa hindi, kaya andito pa rin ako.

masaya pa rin naman... pero may hinahanap pa. soon...