The wind was blowing straight on my face. My eyes were half closed, adjusting to the darkness. Maybe I was just imagining it, but it was as if I could smell the sea. I was too close to the water. And beside me, there you were.
I was smoking my second stick and you were getting furious about it. You have told me so many times to quit it, but being my stubborn self, I just don't want to. I wanted to smoke. I needed to smoke. Because deep inside my head, I was having thoughts that maybe you weren't even aware of. I was analyzing myself, asking myself what I was doing here. Why did I come here with you in the first place? And as fast as the question went came the answer: because I love you. And I want to spend some time alone with you. No doubt about it anymore.
You were sitting very close to me. I think it was the first time I ever got to you this close. I was sometimes looking at you only to find out that you were looking at me, too. The view was perfect. Even if it was dark, I could imagine that the water was clear and there were creatures happily having a great time in it. The moon was shining proudly in the sky. The stars weren't so many, but with you sitting very close beside me, holding my hand, it was just perfect. Like nothing could go wrong.
I had the very strong urge to touch your face and kiss you. But I wasn't so sure. I didn't want to do something that would probably spoil the moment. But you were so close. At times you would lie with your head on my lap and it was simply freaking hard to hold myself back. So I joked. I told you not to stay too close to me and not to look at me the way you were doing. You asked why. I said because there is something that I wanna do so bad. You asked what. I said to kiss you. You laughed. That kind of laugh that implies that I just said the most gross thing there was. I laughed with you. But the urge was still there, and even growing stronger. I contented myself in just holding you.
After like endless minutes, you said it was time to go back to the house. It was getting cold and it was late. We were both tired. Almost four hours on the road was no joke. I didn't want to leave the sea, but the wisest thing to do was go inside the house with you. So I went along.
Being so got used to sleeping on the couch at home, I thought your bed was so huge. I found comfort in it. I'm not really used to sleeping in a different house, but I found myself surprisingly comfortable lying down on your bed. Maybe because you were there, lying beside me. I was wondering what was gonna happen next. I was laughing inside at myself because I still had that thought of kissing you. I was going crazy in a funny way.
Strange. I felt so tired but my body just didn't wanna doze off. I just found my heart beating a bit faster than it was supposed to. I asked you if you could feel it. You said it felt normal. You were kidding. I know you were, for it was as if I was hearing my own heartbeat with my very ears.
You were embracing me from my back. I felt the warmth of your body next to mine. I haven't felt so secured like that for a long time. Then you started to move the tip of your finger down my arm, on my face, on my ears. I started to take deep breaths. Was I getting excited? I wasn't sure. But I will be lying to myself if I will say I didn't like the feeling. It was a new thing for me, being touched by you like that. Because the most I had with you was a peck on the cheek. Nothing more.
It was all going on too slow, and fast at the same time. You were playing with my skin with the tip of your finger, and I was craving for more. I wanted more, but I was afraid to ask. I didn'tknow what you had in mind. I just found myself getting closer to you, hoping you'd understand what I wanted to say. What I wanted to happen. And you did.
Then you kissed me. At last! You were kissing me and I kissed you back. Your hands and your mouth were exploring my body like it was the first time you saw another human body apart from yours. And whenever I feel your warm hands touch an inch of me, I'd flinch inside. But I didn't want you to stop. Just go on and never stop. For you set my body on fire, something that I wasn't even aware of being possible, at least not with you. I was even surprised with myself, for I was doing something for the first time, yet it felt like I have been doing it forever. Exactly how I felt when I was on the shore with you. It was simply perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong.
And with so much pleasure and intense heat, I wanted to scream my heart out. But no. I couldn't. I shouldn't. For it should be a secret between us that nobody must know. It's a secret that should be well kept, at least for now. I have no idea for how long.
Amidst all that, I was able to tell you the words that I have been keeping to myself for quite a while. For the first time in two months that i've been with you, I found the courage to tell you straight in the face that I love you. No hesitation. No thinking if it was right or wrong. No more. I simply put into words how I feel. You may not have any way of knowing, but right after I said those words, I cried. Silent tears just fell down my eyes because it was a moment when I have indeed accepted and admitted to myself that I have been loving you well too deep all this time. I struggled long enough to fight this feeling, but I simply cannot go on with this fight anymore. I was scared to admit it before, for I know that once I accepted it, I will have as well to accept the fact that I will be facing a very difficult and complicated life. I wasn't ready for that. I still am not ready, but I don't care much anymore. Being honest with myself and with you was all that matters. Let time take care of the rest.
I waited for you to say you love me, too. Even if I already know it too well. But you didn't say the words I was expecting to hear. Instead, you said you love me so much. Very much. And with all the strength left in me, I finally gave up the fight. I surrendered myself to you, the whole of me. My heart, my body, my soul. I'm all yours now. And if there's anything more left, I would still be willing to give it to you. With this thought, I let out one last deep breath and one last silent scream before I allowed the darkness to embrace me.
I was only asking for a kiss. But i got more than what I wanted. Some parts of me that I have been missing, that I didn't know were just there. I felt like I know myself even more now that before. It's simply an overwhelming feeling.
I was smiling. I couldn't help myself. For I know it now. I want you. I am in love with you. I was smiling, realizing the fact that for the first time in my life, I have made love to another woman.