so long

the spirit slowly starts hitting me.
great.
this is how it should be.
my eyes are blinded by the smoke coming from the stick.
i am holding my glass.
in it is my reflection.
i see my face.
my life.
i watch my life
playing in front of me like a movie.
i see darkness.
life has always been black.
shadows.
misery.
i watch for as long as i can.
until i can't anymore.
i throw my glass off the wall.
it breaks into pieces.
i see myself, my life breaking
right before my very eyes.
slowly, i pick it up.
the biggest piece i could find,
i cut it.
it hurts.
the pain gets intense.
deeper.
til i feel pain no more.
then,
just before i close my eyes,
i feel peace.
peace.
at last.

shadow speaks

a friend once asked me...

when do you give up?
when do you let go?
when do you say it's time to stop waiting and start moving on?

i simply said... i don't know.

and then he said...

if you are going to ask me that,
my answer would be...
never.




i have loved you in the past. i still love you now. and i guess i'll be loving you for the rest of my life. it's crazy. i'm crazy. because loving you is pain. i continue to love you even if i'm getting myself hurt. i don't know what lies ahead, what the future has to offer me, yet i'm still waiting for you. and it's been years. maybe it will all go to nothing in the end. but that, i don't care much.

i only care about you. there wasn't a day when i didn't think of you. maybe you don't know it, but that's just how it is. you are a part of me. sometimes, just thinking about you makes me smile. when i was having a bad day, i will just look at something that reminds me of you and everything will seem ok. little things. so little, yet i could say to myself... what am i gonna do without you? but the funny thing about it... it really is without you. because no matter how much i think of you, and no matter what i do, it remains the same... i don't really have you. love. pain. crazy.

there is nothing much to say. i don't ask for anything. i don't have much to offer either. i only have my love for you... something that grows deeper each day. if there is someone who makes me happy, that would be you. it's just... i don't know... amazing, perhaps... that though you make me happy, you also make me sad. it's true that one of the worse things that could ever happen is to be made sad by the only person who can make you happy. but it doesn't really matter. i wouldn't still be here otherwise.

sometimes, i don't feel sure of anything, and nothing seems to be right. but what i'm sure of is that... if i did something wonderful or great, and i wanted to brag about it to someone, that would be you. if i wanted to share my happiness and my sadness with someone, that would be you. if there was one person i wanted to be proud of me, that would be you. if i wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok, that would be you. and most of all, if there is someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that would be you. now, tell me... do i need to say more?

i love you. no doubt about it. it was my choice. and it will always be like that.

kung sana lang

minsan...
madalas...
parati...
may mga pagkakataon sa buhay
na sinasabi natin... kung sana lang.

kung sana lang
kapag hinawakan ang kamay mo
kayo na

kung sana lang
kapag sinabihan kang mahal ka nya
at sinabi mong mahal mo rin sya
kayo na

kung sana lang
kapag hinalikan ka
kayo na

kung sana lang
kapag nag-sex kayo
kayo na

kung sana lang
kapag kaya mong ibigay
ang buong buhay mo sa kanya
tatanggapin nya
tapos, kayo na

pero ang problema
HINDI PARATING GANUN!!!
mas madalas pa ngang hinde

ibinigay mo na lahat
at ibibigay mo pa yung natira
kung meron man
pero wala pa rin

nakakatawa, di ba?
nakakasakit
nakakasira ng ulo

sabay hirit...

kung sana lang
kaya kong talikuran ka

kung sana lang
kaya kong sabihing ayoko na

kung sana lang
kayang kong mabuhay ng wala ka

kung sana lang...
kung sana lang..
kung sana lang.

isang gabing maliwanag

oras: 1:17 a.m.


kanina ko pa gustong matulog. pero eto at gising na gising pa rin ako. isang gabing walang tulugan na naman ang nagbabadya. hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako makatulog. may nag-iisip na naman sa'kin. asa pa ko!!

nanood na ako ng tv. pagdating ko pa lang galing sa trabaho eh tv na ang hinarap ko. maraming palabas ang napanood ko. pero kung tatanungin mo 'ko kung ano yung mga napanood ko eh hindi ko alam ang sagot dyan. dahil sa totoo lang, nakatingin lang ako sa tv pero hindi naman talaga ako nanonood. sayang ang kuryente. pero mas ok na ang magpanggap na nanonood ng tv kesa tumingin sa kawalan. mapagkamalan pa 'kong nasisiraan ng ulo, mahirap na.

sinubukan kong magbasa ng libro. pero wala akong naintindihan. hindi man lang nga ako tumagal ng dalawang page. english kase kaya siguro hirap ako intindihin. message in a bottle ni nicholas sparks. luma na. alam ko na nga ang kwento nito, pero parang masarap basahin eh. nahiram ko lang sa isang kaopisina. tatlong linggo ko na ata 'to binabasa pero nasa page 112 pa lang ako. 258 pages pa ang bubunuin ko. ako ba 'to???

naubos ko na yata yung kalahating kaha ng yosi ko. kanina ko lang binili 'to pero parang wala ng laman. nakailan na kaya ako? ah, ewan. isang linggo kaseng hindi nasayaran ng usok ang baga ko kaya siguro bumabawi. pero kakaiba. isang beses lang akong nagkape ngayong araw na 'to. at kaninang umaga pa yun. mag-uumaga na ulit. sa mga gabing hindi ako makatulog kagaya nito eh yosi at kape lang ang katapat. oo, alam ko ang sasabihin mo... mas lalong hindi ako makakatulog nyan! eh ano naman ngayon sa'yo?

naisip kong magsulat. pero pucha... mahigit isang oras na kong nakatitig dito kay carene eh wala pa rin akong naisusulat. parang walang laman yung utak ko. hindi pwede 'to!!! mas gugustuhin ko ng mawala sa mundo kesa aminin sa sarili ko na wala akong maisip isulat. kaya eto... sa kabutihang palad eh nakaka... [bilang... one.. two.. three...] ahh...panlimang paragraph ko na pala 'to. syet, ang galing-galing ko naman.

sa totoo lang... pangarap ko lang yung sinabi ko kanina... na baka may nag-iisip sa'kin kaya hindi ako makatulog. dahil ang totoo, ako yung may iniisip. madami. madaming-madami. sapat na rason para hindi ako makatulog. minsan tuloy, naiisip ko... sana wala na lang akong isip. baka sakaling makatulog pa 'ko.

naiisip ko si mahal. ano kaya ginagawa n'ya? malamang tulog na yun. yun pa? eh ubod ng antukin nun! pero nakauwi kaya s'ya ng maayos galing batangas? sana naman. hindi kase s'ya nag-reply sa text ko kanina. bumalik na naman sa dating sakit - ang hindi magparamdam. pero ayos lang. pinasaya naman nya ko sa mga text nya nitong nakaraang dalawang araw. kaya solb na rin kahit papa'no. yun nga lang, medyo nag-aalala ako dahil hindi ko nga alam kung nakauwi ba sya ng maayos. naiisip ko rin ng konti lang naman kung kelan kaya ulit kami magkikita. [disclaimer : mahal, kung sakaling binabasa mo 'to... hindi ako nagpaparinig. hehehe.]

naiisip ko si mommy. gusto ko sana s'yang tawagan kanina pero sayang ang load. hehe. wala naman akong sasabihing importante kaya malamang, sesermunan lang ako nun pag tumawag ako. ayaw na ayaw pa naman nun na tinatawagan sya. mas gusto nyang sya ang tumatawag. kunsabagay, mas marami syang pambili ng call card kesa sakin. tsaka nakausap ko naman sya ng tatlong beses kahapon. ayos na rin.

naiisip ko si angel. ang angel ko. malamang nasa trabaho pa yun sa mga oras na 'to. kumain na kaya s'ya? siguro naman kase gabi na dun. pwede ng kumain. gusto ko rin syang tawagan. ah itong isang 'to... mas malamang na hindi ito magre-reklamo pag tumawag ako. ikatutuwa nya ng husto yun. may isang problema lang... wala na syang telepono. kung alam ko lang sana ang phone number ng shop na pinapasukan nya. eh kung padalhan ko na lang kaya s'ya ng pambili ng bagong phone? hmmm... pwede!! ang yaman ko ata! sana!

naiisip ko si goge. si goge na tanging katuwang ko sa buhay bukod kay mommy. eto ang pag nawala eh para akong naputulan ng kamay. isama mo na pati paa. sira na daw yung tsinelas nya. ah, bukas ng umaga, bibigyan ko s'ya ng pambili ng bagong tsinelas. sikat na naman ako sa puso n'ya pag nagkataon.

naiisip ko yung dalawa pa... si dambo at si oying. at tinanong ko ulit ang langit ng tanong na matagal ko ng hinahanapan ng sagot : kelan kaya sila magkakaroon ng silbi sa mundo?

naiisip ko si tatay... sa puntong ito eh na-blangko ang isip ko. wag ko na lang s'yang isipin.

naiisip ko si nanay. ano kayang parte ng katawan n'ya ang masakit ngayon? lahat na yata. simulan mo sa ulo hanggang sa mga daliri sa paa...lahat masakit. dala ba ng katandaan yun kaya masasakitin na? psychological? o naghahanap lang ng atensyon? ewan.

naiisip ko... masama bang isipin na sana patay na ang isang tao? hindi naman yung tipong galit ka na "MAMATAY KA NA SANA @#$%*& INA KA!!!!" o kaya eh "WALA KANG SILBI, HAYUF KA, MAMATAY KA NA.. BLAGAG!!!" hehehe. wag ganyan. kung ganyan eh paniguradong masama nga yan. yung tipong mild lang na ayaw mo nang nahihirapan s'ya kaya gusto mong kunin na lang s'ya ni lord para tapos na. yun... medyo magandang pakinggan. pero may twist yan eh. mas malamang na ayaw mo ng mahirapan na nakikita s'yang nahihirapan kaya gusto mo ng kunin na lang s'ya ni lord para tapos na ang paghihirap n'ya na magtatapos din ng paghihirap mo. magulo? pero kung naiintindihan mo, selfish masyado, di ba? kaya balik na lang tayo dun sa mas magandang pakinggan. parang ganito... buhay nga s'ya pero nahihirapan naman, pati mga tao sa paligid n'ya, nahihirapan din. o walang paghihirap pero patay naman. ano pipiliin mo? ako... mas gugustuhin kong patay na lang. para pare-parehas ng walang hirap. pero ang tanong ng isip ko... masama ba yun?

naiisip ko kung ano ba ang iluluto kong almusal bukas... este mamaya pala. sinangag at saka.... hmmm... madalas ako asarin ni tatay na wala naman daw akong alam iluto kundi sinangag at saka pritong kung anu-ano. tama sya dun. pritong tatay kaya ang iluto ko mamaya? pero in fairness... masarap daw ako magsangag sabi ni bestfriend.

nakakatawang isipin na habang sinusulat ko 'to eh kausap ko ang kapatid ko sa yahoo messenger na para bang ang layo namin sa isa't-isa. pero ang totoo eh andyan lang naman sya sa computer shop sa labasan kung san sya nagta-trabaho. hindi ko sana sya kakausapin pero kelangan eh... tinanong ko kase kung nakita nya ang kuya nya. na hindi ko namalayang sinundo na pala ni tatay sa... ewan ko kung saan. kaya pala may kumalabog na pinto sa baba. alas tres na ng umaga. ansaya!

alas tres na nga pala. dalawang oras na lang, kelangan ko nang gumising para magluto at pakainin si nanay at painumin ng gamot si nanay at maligo at maghanda papunta sa trabaho. yun eh kung tulog na ko. ang kaso, hindi pa. naiisip ko, ganun na naman ulit. parang kagaya kahapon at nung isang araw at nung isa pa. walang pagbabago. naiisip ko tuloy... hanggang kelan kaya magiging ganito ang takbo ng buhay? ah ewan. ayoko nang isipin.

iniisip ko ngayon kung pa'no ko tatapusin ang article na 'to.
kagaya ng pag-iisip ko kanina kung pa'no 'to sisimulan.
basta na lang.
bahala na....


oras: 3:24 a.m.

suntok sa buwan

- session road -

hindi mo ba alam
damdamin ko'y pinagtakpan
makasama ka'y suntok sa buwan

'di mo nga alam
mundo mo nga'y iyong tingnan
kung ganyan
walang pupuntahan

hindi ko 'to gusto
pero 'wag kang lalayo

itanong mo sa akin
at tatanungin ko rin
kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin

'di mo napapansin
kailangan mo akong dinggin
'di habang buhay
ika'y aantayin

ito'y aking hiling
at sana naman ay tanggapin
ng puso ko'y di nabibitin

...

infinity

i love you more than you will ever know.
one day, i just might let you experience what i said.

you love me.
more than i will ever know.
one day.
someday.
when?
just might.
but then again...
just might not.

some post

when i was young, my grandmother used to attend this christian church every thursday. nah... it's not the INC. it's something else. she would always ask me to fill up that little piece of paper called the 'prayer request form'. and she would tell me to make two copies of it... one under her name, and one under mine. i found it weird, but i was just a kid back then and i didn't have the right to ask nor object. i can only obey, do what was asked of me... questions weren't allowed. well, a kid can always ask and object about anything.... just not to my grandma. hehe. anyhow, she had this explanation about that. she said their 'organization' believed that if two people asked god for the same thing at the same time, then it's most likely that god will give them what they asked for. oh. yeah. sure. whatever.

chelle, according to him, was his friend. close to the name of someone i know, though. when i saw this name in his blog, i thought he was referring to that someone i know. but ... hehehe... not quite. it was an old post, but it still amazes me that this person was feeling the same way i felt that time. [ read: h8 ]

two different people... from two different places... having the same feeling at exactly the same time. one was saying the words that the other wanted to say but didn't know how to express himself. makes me wonder... did god, or whoever it is, really wanted it to be exactly that way?

hmmm... grandma's chiristian group made sense after all...

bitches and burns

it was a long day at home. yes, at home. i wasn't able to go to work because of this freaking headache that i had since yesterday afternoon. i thought i just needed to sleep, and i did sleep early last night. but it got worse when i woke up the next morning. it felt like my heart transfered from my chest to my head because it was as if my head was beating. i woke up at the usual time that i wake up everyday, but i ended up sleeping until 11 in the morning. i could have slept more if it wasn't for the rumbling stomach. i realized i only had burger and fries for dinner last night.

it was actually a restless day. i received a few texts from M, who made me smile, by the way. A called me when she didn't find me at work. i was able to call a few friends. i couldn't help but to think about work. work load is up to my neck. deadlines are coming in a few days and i still haven't finished any of my october reports. i haven't been working overtime for almost a month now. i used to stay at work until late hours of the night and i even work on sundays. all because of the new system that we started using a few months back. it wasn't a simple accounting system, it wasn't complete yet. there's still a lot of loop holes to work on. a very long procedure, indeed. but the [stupid] boss was questioning the long overtime hours. funny because we work overtime even with just the old system. we are obviously understaffed. and now we are using the new system, and the old system as back up. two systems, work load doubled, same manpower. THEN WHY THE HELL IS HE ASKING WHY WE WORK OVERTIME SO MUCH?!? we even told him and everyone else that we have to work longer hours than usual because... ahh.. do we need to explain more? where is that thing called common sense? and the even funnier thing about it is that the people who were supposed to back us up and explain why we need to work overtime didnt say anything. if the boss went straight to me, i could have explained why. but hell... so i decided to give them what they want. no overtime? sure. fine by me. i will have more time for myself, more time to rest, read, write, bum around, get drunk... everything. but they should not expect anything from me. i will do my work on regular hours and maximize the use of every minute they're paying me for, but i can't promise to give them the reports on time. it's just so not possible to do. bad feeling. really. i've been in this job for three years and i've given more than half my life to it.. for three years. all the people who are close to me can attest to that. sure, i was happy with it. otherwise, i won't last that long. the people were nice... but some changed in time. bitches came to life, true colors came out, and i even came to realize that in that place, you can't just trust anybody. still, i do my job and get along well with everyone, no matter how hard it gets sometimes. but the latest developments were not doing me good. for the first time in my working life, i began counting the hours. meaning, the moment i step in to the office, the first thing i do is look forward to the time when i can already leave the place. the situation gets worse everyday. if it doesn't get any better, i'm afraid that i will have to leave anytime soon. though i still have to consider a lot of factors. my best friend, for one. i don't want to leave her in the hands of these people, at least while i know she's still not strong enough to take care of herself when i'm not there anymore. though she's learning to fight for what she thinks is right, but i still have to train her more. we have to be a bitch when surrounded by bitches, anyways.

oh well, so much for that. if there is something worth mentioning about this day, that would be this : in the middle of all the head throbbing and dizziness, i was able to spend time with my favorite kid in the world. if i wasn't sick, i would have bathed in the rain with him when he called for me to join him and the rest of his buddies. i was happily watching him while he was playing with the remote controlled car that i gave him on his birthday last week. and i didn't know he could play jackstones that well. talented. hehe. we talked about school, about friends, about almost everything. hmmm... if this is what i'll get from a headache, can i just have a headache everyday?!? [wink]

sound trip

i was visiting my 'blog visitors' during one of my sleepless nights and came across this site. i found it very cool. actually, it was the music which caught my attention. i couldn't understand the words, though. lol. the next day, i spent an entire morning with this site opened on my pc in the office and the song was playing over and over for hours. i just couldn't get enough of it. and yeah, it was ringing in my ears for the rest of the day.

strange as it may seem... but i'm doing it again today. hmmm...

long weekend blues

it's the first working day of the month and i don't feel like working at all. it was a long weekend, but i wasn't able to rest. and now, i've got tons of work to do. damn! i wish i was back home, sleeping. [yawn]