-::- here i am... this is me -::-
dahil binigyan mo ko nito...hindi ka na pwedeng tumakbo...dahil kahit saan ka pumunta...kaya ko nang habulin ka.eh pano kaya kung...gamitin ko 'to...sa pagtakbo palayo sa'yo...mahabol mo kaya ako?
sabi ni sir, there is no such thing as pointless daw. i agree. pero dahil si sir yun at normal na sa'ming dalawa ang kontrahin ang isa't isa, pigaan ng utak sa discussion, ika nga, sabi ko, there is.
siguro nga, there is such a thing as pointless.
kapag ang text messages, hindi nire-replyan, pointless mag-text.
kapag ang cellphone calls, hindi sinasagot for whatever reason, pointless tumawag.
kapag ang sinasabi mo, hindi pinapakinggan, pointless magsalita.
kapag ang sorry, pauli-ulit na hinihingi sa paulit-ulit na paggawa ng similar unpretty things, pointless mag-apologize.
kapag ang tanong, hindi sinasagot, pointless magtanong.
kapag ang pag-iyak, hindi na nakakabawas sa bigat na nararamdaman ng dibdib, pointless ang luha.
at marami pang ibang mga pointless na bagay.
pero dahil sadyang malawak ang pang-unawa ko [ang kumontra, panget!], hindi ko dati naiisip yang mga yan. lately na lang. simula kahapon.
malapit na nga akong maniwala sa sinasabi nila na smart daw ako. sa sobrang hilig kong mag-isip. kung nakakamatay nga lang siguro ang pag-iisip, matagal na kong namatay. nakakasawa rin minsan. nakakapagod. pero ganun pa rin, isip pa rin ng isip.
minsan, nauubusan na ko ng maisip na rason para i-justify ang mga nangyayari. pinipilit kong intindihin lahat. gusto kong bigyan ng excuse ang bawat bagay na ginagawa ng iba na sa tingin ko eh mali, para lang magmukha silang tama. minsan, iniisip ko na lang, ako nga siguro ang mali. nasa'kin nga siguro ang problema. sige, ako na nga lang.
may mga bagay na gusto kong mangyari na during the process eh bumabalik sa'kin. ewan ko kung baket. gusto kong wag ng masaktan yung mga nasasaktan, pero after a while pala, ako rin yung masasaktan. gusto kong patahanin yung mga umiiyak pero pagkatapos, ako rin pala yung iiyak.. hindi ko maiwasang magtanong kung baket ganun. ang labo. lahat ng ayokong mangyari sa iba, sa'kin nangyayari. ang unfair. sobra. ang sarap manisi. ang sarap manumbat. ang sarap sabihing akala ko ba, masaya tayo? pero tapos na 'ko sa stage na yan. gaya nga ng sabi ko, ako na lang... aakuin ko na lang lahat.
sabi nila, baket daw ako tahimik. kibit balikat lang ako. dahil hindi ko kayang sagutin ang tanong.
sabi nila, baket daw ako umiiyak. iiling lang. dahil kagaya ng unang tanong, hindi ko rin sya kayang sagutin. ang ultimate excuse... wala lang po... inaatake lang ng lungkot kaya naiyak.
wala lang daw. isa akong sinungaling na tao sa pagsasabing wala lang. pero sa totoong buhay, gusto ko ng sumigaw. gusto kong ipagsigawan sa lahat kung baket ako umiiyak. gusto ko ng humingi ng tulong at sabihing hindi ko na kaya. ang superwoman, nauubusan na ng lakas. ang astigin, natatalo na ng emosyon. unti-unti ng nahuhulog sa bangin. wala ng makapitan.
pero para saan pa? pointless din naman, di ba?
pag nakita mong "single" ang nakalagay sa profile nya sa friendster kahit kayo na...pag nakita mo yung picture nung dati nyang mahal na naka-display sa first page ng friendster nya [o kung anuman ang tawag dun]... na tinabihan pa ng picture ng kwarto [of all things] nung taong yun...pag may nakita kang picture ng "kape" sa friendster nung dati nyang mahal na parang nakita mo na rin sa phone nya... na kinuha nung panahong sinabi nyang hindi sila magkasama...pag pakiramdam mo, meron syang hindi sinasabi sayo... mga maliliit na bagay na nangyari... na mas pinili na lang wag sabihin kesa pagsimulan ng discussion...pag hindi ka na makapag-isip ng matino dahil nilalamon ka na ng banas [at selos]...pag gusto mo syang tanungin tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay pero hindi mo alam kung paano sisimulan ang mga tanong mo...pag pakiramdam mo, niloloko ka nya...pag nanlalamig na yung kamay mo at malapit ka ng maiyak...
isa lang ang solution dyan...tama nga ako... ayoko ng friendster !!!!
i love you.
i accepted you in my life because i wanted to make you happy. it may sound simple and easy... but it's not. it's actually one of the biggest challenges for me. a task. for i know that you have been sad for a very long time. people, whether they were aware of it or not, have hurt you in the past and were still continuing to hurt you before i came. you cried because of them. you suffered pain because of them. i wanted to put an end to that. i wanted to put you out of your misery. yes, that was my mission.
it was an overwhelming feeling that i was succeeding during the first few days. days became weeks. weeks became months. i was happy seeing you happy. i was happy just thinking that after a long time, someone is happy again because of me.
but as it is considered normal and somehow expected in any relationships, we've had our bad days, too. and at times, i felt that i was desperately trying to reach for the stars, for the task was beginning to be more and more difficult as the days go. sometimes i will just look at something without actually seeing anything... deep inside thinking if i was doing the right thing.
i came to see something in myself that i didn't know even exists. the devil. the dark side. i was trying so hard to make things work the way i want them but i make them worse instead. i tried to change you. i wanted you to become somebody else. i wanted you to be like me. to think like i do. to see things the way i see them. i wanted our relationship to be perfect despite the fact that i know i wasn't perfect myself. and during the process, i always saw the ugly things. the imperfections. and even if i have never admitted it, i have always blamed you. in my eyes, you were always the one doing the wrong things, and i was always the one who's right. what made it worst is that i've said it all to your face. i was lashing you with words that i shouldn't have said in the first place. i was the devil who was trying to make you see how terrible you are at all times, in all cases. i make a big deal out of the small things you say. i misunderstand something because maybe i'm stupid, and then i put all the blame on you. i always see things the wrong way. i push you to talk even if i already know that it's very difficult for you to do so. i make you feel like crap. i make you always end up thinking that i was smart and you were stupid. and as you say, i always had something to say. like something to prove that i was right. yes, i admit it all now. and i'm only a few inches away from hating myself.
i wanted to save you from people who were treating you bad. i wanted them to stop hurting you and making you cry. but i ended up being one of them. for so many times, i have made you cry. for so many times, i have hurt you. what kind of a person am i? a monster, perhaps? and to think that in the beginning, i have promised myself that i will never hurt you and that i will never make you cry. i guess promises are really meant to be broken.
i love you. i'm sorry. i won't promise anything anymore. i won't say i'm not gonna make you cry nor hurt you ever again. but i will try not to. just please help me. i hope you will still give me the chance to make you happy. let me serve my purpose. let me fulfill my task. i love you. just that.
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Location: Pasig City, Philippines
people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.
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