i love you.
i accepted you in my life because i wanted to make you happy. it may sound simple and easy... but it's not. it's actually one of the biggest challenges for me. a task. for i know that you have been sad for a very long time. people, whether they were aware of it or not, have hurt you in the past and were still continuing to hurt you before i came. you cried because of them. you suffered pain because of them. i wanted to put an end to that. i wanted to put you out of your misery. yes, that was my mission.
it was an overwhelming feeling that i was succeeding during the first few days. days became weeks. weeks became months. i was happy seeing you happy. i was happy just thinking that after a long time, someone is happy again because of me.
but as it is considered normal and somehow expected in any relationships, we've had our bad days, too. and at times, i felt that i was desperately trying to reach for the stars, for the task was beginning to be more and more difficult as the days go. sometimes i will just look at something without actually seeing anything... deep inside thinking if i was doing the right thing.
i came to see something in myself that i didn't know even exists. the devil. the dark side. i was trying so hard to make things work the way i want them but i make them worse instead. i tried to change you. i wanted you to become somebody else. i wanted you to be like me. to think like i do. to see things the way i see them. i wanted our relationship to be perfect despite the fact that i know i wasn't perfect myself. and during the process, i always saw the ugly things. the imperfections. and even if i have never admitted it, i have always blamed you. in my eyes, you were always the one doing the wrong things, and i was always the one who's right. what made it worst is that i've said it all to your face. i was lashing you with words that i shouldn't have said in the first place. i was the devil who was trying to make you see how terrible you are at all times, in all cases. i make a big deal out of the small things you say. i misunderstand something because maybe i'm stupid, and then i put all the blame on you. i always see things the wrong way. i push you to talk even if i already know that it's very difficult for you to do so. i make you feel like crap. i make you always end up thinking that i was smart and you were stupid. and as you say, i always had something to say. like something to prove that i was right. yes, i admit it all now. and i'm only a few inches away from hating myself.
i wanted to save you from people who were treating you bad. i wanted them to stop hurting you and making you cry. but i ended up being one of them. for so many times, i have made you cry. for so many times, i have hurt you. what kind of a person am i? a monster, perhaps? and to think that in the beginning, i have promised myself that i will never hurt you and that i will never make you cry. i guess promises are really meant to be broken.
i love you. i'm sorry. i won't promise anything anymore. i won't say i'm not gonna make you cry nor hurt you ever again. but i will try not to. just please help me. i hope you will still give me the chance to make you happy. let me serve my purpose. let me fulfill my task. i love you. just that.