-::- here i am... this is me -::-

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

drama mode on

first day of school for most students. hmm... so what? i'm not really sure. but i do know one thing. six months of waiting was more than enough. it's time to take the final step, to do the final act.

it's funny when you think about how things work. sometimes, things work out the way you wanted, but most of the time, they don't. and it's more often that not that when they don't work, it hurts.

maybe it was all a make-believe. it was all a big joke. it was all an act. it was all lies. it was all sweet words that meant nothing. all the while, you were telling me that you love me, but in reality, it wasn't true. you just made me see something that wasn't really there at all... these are my thoughts when i think about you these days... but i know you better than that. i still want to believe that you never meant to hurt me. that i was really special to you and that you weren't lying when you told me you love me. and then i'd simply tell myself that this is just one of the many times when things don't work out the way i wanted. it just wasn't meant to be.

i try not to, but i still look back at those days. five years is a very long time. i was building a very wonderful friendship with you and making you a part of my life. i was leaning on you, running to you whenever i was feeling down. and being your wise self, you've always had the right words to say at the right time. it went on for years. i was secretly calling you my soulmate. funny, right? i was like a child. and as it always does, the friendship led to something deeper. at least on my side. i just didn't know about yours. but do you still remember that time when i asked you... maniniwala ka ba kapag sinabi kong mahal kita? you simply said... maniniwala, kase mahal din kita. i was contented knowing it. i couldn't ask for more. and i didn't ask any other question after that. it was a magical moment for me. it still makes me smile whenever i think about that night. still... after all these years.

"i am smiling. and my friends are asking me why."

was it too much to assume that you were thinking about me and it made you smile? you were somewhere, with your friends. i was ... i don't know, i can't remember exactly. but i was for sure minding my own life when you sent me this message. i imagined that you were thinking of me, i just didn't know what your exact thoughts were, and then you were smiling without you knowing it, and then your friends saw you were smiling for no reason and asked why you were smiling. and then you sent me the message. i understand now why people smile after reading a text message or while they look at their phones. hehe. me and my thoughts. but maybe i was just assuming too much. if so, then be it.

hmmm... ok... admitted... it was a kilig moment. i actually have lots of kilig moments caused by you. i could go on forever mentioning them all... but i won't. this article is not for that.

we both know that during the long years of our friendship, i have lost you more than once. it was like one moment, you were there, then the next, you were gone. it would be long months of not hearing anything from you. and when i got used to not having you around, you would simply come back. and after a while, you would be gone again. and come back. it happened so many times. it was strange that you kept coming back. but i was always thankful everytime you did.

our friendship was somehow put to a test when your girlfriend broke up with you. i was feeling too bad for thinking that i was one of the reasons why she did. i couldn't blame her, though. there were lies on your part, and you certainly lied to her about me. things went sour. i guess it was luck that you got back together. and then i lost you again after that. when you became silent for a long time, i knew that i had lost you for good. i went on with my life and left all your good memories somewhere. life must go on, somehow.

but i was wrong. after what seemed like forever, you were back. it was maybe one of the reasons why i should be thankful for not changing numbers.

"
i love you more than you will ever know. one day i just might let you experiece what i said."

so that was a very powerful statement. the previous year was the witness of it all. it was maybe during this time that our feelings for each other really grew deep. but as i always say, i can only speak for myself. i knew that deep inside me, i was loving you more and more. and i became too weary that one day, you might leave again for some reason. i came to a point when i had to tell you that if ever you will have a new girlfriend or you get married, tell the girl not to get jealous of me because i'm just a friend. like a nobody. i got scared that if the girl finds out about me, she will get really jealous and will make you stay away from me just like what happened before. i simply couldn't bear the thought of losing you again. not this time. not ever. and so i made you promise that whatever happens, you won't be gone again. and you promised that you will be there forever. you even joked that you will be my clown for the rest of my life. i held on to your every word.

and so i was having happy days with you. be it a movie, a quick lunch, phone conversations, endless exchange of text messages, even emails. you have been constantly telling me that you love me. and i was the same. i would be lying flat on my face if i will say i didn't hope for something more. i knew we had something more than friendship. it just wasn't the right time to go and have a formal, official relationship. you were too busy with your students, with school, with your papers, with everything. and you simply didn't have the time for.. well... a relationship. and so i got contented with what i have. as long as i know you love me, and as long as i know you are there for me, there is no reason for me not to be happy. one day you just might... one day. i have never had high hopes for anything except this one.

the months went by so fast. i wasn't seeing you as much as i wanted, but it was ok. like i said, as long as you are there, i'm happy. you still didn't fail to make me feel special. you still made me laugh. and then we went on to the
next level that made me ask you a stupid question that well.. changed something. it was stupid, alright, but i told you something like what would you say if i asked you to be my official boyfriend from that time on. you said that i still don't know a lot of things about you and that i deserve someone better. it was meant to be a joke but the answer was way too serious and not funny at all. it was like a slap. because i had this belief that if someone tells you that you deserve someone better, it was just a polite way of saying i don't want you. it was... well... yeah... painful.. but i had to live with it as if nothing happened. whatever happened to one day i just might?

but you know what bothered me? i couldn't understand why you kept saying and making me feel you love me but you didn't want anything serious to do with me. for sure, you had your reasons. and whatever those reasons were, i have no other choice but to understand them. though i don't know them at all for you never said anything. i didn't dare ask. after all, i was just a friend. and a friend doesn't have the right to ask just anything.

maybe it was my fault that i didn't ask for answers. because up until now, i am still wondering about that. i am still longing for answers to the questions that i should have asked before, not knowing that these questions would be added with even bigger ones.

soon enough, it was december already. i was getting too excited about it, but i didn't know why. it was maybe still the last week of november and i was already thinking of what to give you on christmas. i'm not really into giving out expensive gifts but i wanted to give you something special. not really that expensive, but at least something a little bit out of the ordinary. it was a hard task, thinking of a special gift, that is. while i was busy looking out for gifts, i had no idea that you were also busy, not with work, not with school, but with something else.

i was hoping to see you before the year ends, but for the whole last three weeks of december, i didn't hear anything from you. you were very silent. you weren't replying to my texts, you weren't picking up my calls, you didn't greet me merry christmas, and worst of all, you didn't greet me on my birthday. strange. scary. i knew that something was terribly wrong. i just couldn't figure it out that time. first week of january and i still have nothing from you. i stopped texting. i stopped calling. i was furious, worried, but i couldn't do anything. what was there to do, anyway?

and then after a long silence, i finally received something from you. i was happy to see your name on my yahoo inbox. you sent me an email, that means you are fine. nothings serious happened or anything. i was thinking that maybe it was just one of your silent moods. but then, christmas and my birthday? i couldn't wait to open the email.

and then i was reading it and i thought i might have fainted. my heart was beating so fast and my hands were so cold. and i couldn't see anything except the computer screen. i couldn't believe that you were saying it through an email. you didn't even have the guts to see me in person to tell me that you got married? oh my god, is this for real? i had a very good reason to cry. i didn't even bother to go to the bathroom. i cried right there in front of my pc at my office table. i felt too weak to move.

so that was it. while i was busy looking for your christmas gift, you were too busy preparing for your wedding. it doesn't make sense. tons of questions came rushing through my mind. how did it happen? who was the girl? where was i in your life when all these confusing things were happening? i felt so stupid and lost, really.

i never thought that you are capable of hurting me that much. you, of all people.

it took me three days before i was able to answer your email. i had to play it cool. i was hurting... really hurting... everything happened so fast. i had so many questions... so many that i didn't know which one to ask first. i decided not to. there is a proper time for that. and i certainly didn't want to ask you anything in an email. i want my questions to be answered face to face. the only thing i asked you was if i could still see you. you said yes. and i wanted to see you more than ever.

there were three things on my mind that time: the christmas gift, my book, and my questions.

you said i could still see you. and for so many times during the last six months, you have been setting dates. and i was always counting the days til i can finally see you again. but strangely, something always comes up. life went on. the so called friendship still went on. i was stupid, maybe, but i still love you. and you were still consistent in saying that you still love me and you still care for me and that i will forever be special to you. that will never change, you said. you said it wasn't over between us. sometimes, i can't help but to think it's all crap. but i know you better than that. i still want to believe that you were true to your every word. but, funny, it always happened. you will set the date, you will cancel on the day itself saying that something came up. once, twice, three times... i could accept that. but it was happening for so many times already. i got tired of your excuse, which has always been "something came up". and just like before, i never knew of this something that kept coming up for you never said anything.

i still don't understand why it was so hard for you to see me. and what hurts me more is that you were always the one to bring it up and ask about when we are going to see each other again. and you were always the one to spoil it. it was like i was trying all the time to forget about it and then when i was just feeling all too ok, you will remind me of it again. what were you trying to do? i still don't get it. was it too hard for you because you were expecting me to get mad but i didn't? and after everything that has happened, i was still treating you good? was it because i didn't say anything bad? what if i reacted violenty? could things have been different? ahh.. questions.

i got tired of waiting. and for the first time in so many years, i began to doubt your words. i wasn't questioning your feelings for me, because in more ways than one, you were able to make me feel that you were sincere when you said you love me. i still want to believe you did. but it was tiring to wait for the day when i can see you again, only to feel frustrated when it doesn't happen. something came up. something always comes up.

sometimes, i can't help but to feel really sad. sadness mixed with confusion could sometimes lead to anger. but i have promised you years ago that i won't get angry at you no matter what happens and no matter what you do. i am a person of too few promises and once i make a promise, i'd rather die than to break it. but i won't lie. everytime you set a date and "something came up", i was too close to feeling angry. maybe you still have that email i sent you when i had an outburst. forgive me for that. you always found me to be the coolest person, but sometimes, i lose my cool, too.

little by little, i lost interest in my questions. i have learned to accept the fact that maybe these questions will remain unanswered. and what good will it do to me if i find out what really happened? i got hurt when you told me about it, and for sure, i will get hurt again when i hear all the details from you.

and after a while, i lost interest in my book. it was just a book. i can get another copy for myself if i wanted to. it was as easy as that.

it was also too easy for me to just forget about the christmas gift. i can simply forget the whole thing and go on with my life. but i was being too stubborn to let it all go just like that. i think it was too precious to just be kept inside my office drawer. i had to do somethng about it. i had to.

a few weeks ago, i got too frustrated because i haven't heard from you for so long. well, it always happens. you will be silent for a couple of weeks. no texts, no whatever. and when i got used to it already, you will suddenly text me as if nothing happened. just like the old days when you would be gone and would come back after a while. i think this thing will go on forever. once, i asked you if you still want me to be a part of your life or you want me out of it totally. you said you don't want to lose me and that you still want me to be here... so i am still here. but sometimes, the silence really makes me so sad and hurt. remember when you promised me that you will always be there? i have always held on to that promise. you know me. and you sure know that i have always been very easy to please. so when you ignore me for weeks, for months, i simply get hurt. and everytime, i would think that your silence was your way of telling me that you don't want me in your life anymore. thinking of it was painful enough. but i can't do anything about it.

during this time, i was so much thinking of ways to give you the gift. i don't know if he told you, but i contacted your bestfriend and asked him if he could see me. i was planning to give him the gift so he could hand it out to you. but my heart sank when he told me that you haven't seen each other for a long time and he wasn't sure if he will be seeing you soon. i immediately dropped the plan.

i remember that i was stupid enough to ask you one day if you can give me the address of the school so i can send you the gift via postmail. stupid because i was sure you won't give it to me, but i asked it anyway. you said you'd rather get it from me in person. oh yeah? then why not come and see me?

and so, my brain was rushing. i must find a way, i kept telling myself. i started searching the net. i should have done this a long time ago, but i didn't know exactly what to seach for. i didn't know the whole name of the school. all i know was that it was an exclusive school for boys and the name had a word that starts with an S [shall i say the word here? hehe. better not]. the results were like... brilliant. because some things were matching. the location of the school. the little things i know about the school. i started reading until i came across a page with your name on it. bingo!

i was smart after all. sure, i was. i was too excited that i wanted to send the gift via fedex that same day. but school was still out. i was too smart not to think that even if the students were on vacation, the teachers would still go to school. i had the guts to text you and ask you how you were and when will the classes start. i usually kept silent when you were silent, and i won't text unless you text me first. but for a good reason, i'd forget all about that text-me-first-and-i-text-you-back thing. you said that classes will start on june 14th. it was still the last week of may.

after that, you were silent again. and once again, i was attacked by silly ideas brought about by your silence. i should be thankful for that because it makes me become too creative and it makes me smarter. after all, i was in this state when i was able to search for the address of the school. i was talking to a friend about the fedex thing and that i was planning to give you something more. i was planning to burn a cd for you, farewell songs all burned on a black cd matched with a black cd casing. she said i was being bitter. i had a great laugh about it. me being bitter was so far from happening. i just wanted to get it over and done with. but come to think of it, maybe i was really becoming bitter. i handled everything way too coolly and maybe i couldn't admit to myself that i was feeling angry because of the pain i felt that i didn't notice i was already becoming bitter. but then, maybe not. i've had so many good memories of you and i won't allow myself to end up being bitter just because things didn't work out for us.

the next thing i know, i was downloading jill sobule's bitter and was using the song on my blog for two straight weeks.

i was thinking, maybe it really wasn't meant to be. i gave myself a deadline. if before june 14, we won't see each other, then i will definitely use the address that i searched on the net and fedex the gift to you. i am not certain if you will be able to receive it and it will be a long shot, but i'll take it anyway. two weeks ago, it almost happened. you asked me if i was free to see you and i was free, but i was sick. it almost happened, but it didn't.

and now, i am only a few hours away from executing my plan. i dropped the cd part, thanks to your text when i was sick. i told you, i come up with crazy ideas only when you treat me with silence.

i should be happy. finally. this is what i've always wanted to do. some sort of a closure. i didn't want to call it a closure. there wasn't anything to close in the first place. but i don't know. a part of me is feeling so sad about it. is this really the way i wanted things to end between us? as long as i am holding this gift, there is still a great chance of seeing you one last time. but it's been almost six months. give it another three months and it will be a year since i last saw you. this thing belongs to you and i would do everything i can to be able to give it to you. it's just sad that it has to be this way.

it's been a while. i haven't heard from you for two weeks now, and maybe i won't hear from you ever again. i'm being paranoid for saying that, i know. but you should know by now that i go crazy everytime you become too silent. i'm tired and sick of that feeling. i try not to be saddened by the thought that one day you will be gone for good. i don't know what's gonna happen after this. i guess i can say that i can finally go on with my life completely. i have moved on a long time ago because i didn't have any other choice. but now, i can fully say that it's over. i'm over it and there is no turning back.

9 Comments:

Blogger teepsee said...

ay sows, ang aga naman nito drama na ito.. ni-email mo na lang sana sa kanya.. hehehe..

pakisabi kay "ako", hi.. yiheee =p


anyhoo,, good morning and have a nice day! :D

9:36 AM  
Blogger shadowlane said...

bwehehehe. ikaw nga 'tong ang agang mang-asar!!!

mas masarap isulat sa blog kesa i-email. hehe.

sige, makakarating. :)

9:38 AM  
Blogger Shane said...

Sister ang haba.. super drama talaga... ... basta ako makulay ang mundo ko hehehehe.

4:04 PM  
Blogger shadowlane said...

hahaha. sinipag eh, naparami ng yosi tsaka kape, napasarap sa pagsulat.

good for you. makulay na mundo.. saya nyan!

4:06 PM  
Anonymous ako said...

nalulungkot ako...

for some reason, i just did..

ewan ko ba..

ngaun lng toh.. lilipas din...

geh...


[teepsee]

hi din..

10:07 PM  
Blogger shadowlane said...

hmmm ... must be the article. hehe. wag ka ng sad. pero kunsabagay, tama... lilipas din.

oi teepsee... hi daw!

8:32 AM  
Blogger jonah no pants said...

ouch*

11:41 AM  
Blogger shadowlane said...

yeah... ouch big time! LOL

11:45 AM  
Blogger anjiedy said...

24-jun-05

sa wakas, nabasa rin.. matapos maumay ng 9 days sa haba ng post, ginanahan ang maganda mong sister para magbasa...

mahaba, pero ramdam.. masaket, pero at least nagawa mo na ang isang bagay na matagal mo nang nais maisakatuparan... binabati kita sa nagawa mo [nagawa mo na kse ng mga panahon na binasa ko to]

loveyouate

2:00 PM  

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"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

-::- About Me -::-

Name: shadowlane

Location: Pasig City, Philippines

people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.

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