-::- here i am... this is me -::-
tinanong ako ni bes kung ok lang daw bang magkwento ng panaginip kahit na masama. sabi ko, ok lang naman. it's just a dream. hindi totoo. panaginip nga eh. hehe.
sabi nila, ang panaginip daw ang naglalarawan ng kung ano'ng nasa isip ng isang tao. kung ano yung mga gusto mong mangyari na hindi mo magawa sa totoong buhay, lumalabas na lang sa panaginip.
pero ako, medyo matagal na 'kong hindi nananaginip. ewan ko ba. siguro dahil na rin hindi naman ako mahilig matulog. managinip ng gising kaya? pede din!
anyways... napanaginipan daw n'ya ako. masaya daw kaming naglalakad habang nagkukwentuhan, kasama ng isa pang prend na hindi nya alam kung sino. hindi n'ya nakita ang mukha, pero sigurado sya na isa sa mga kaibigan namin ang taong yun. otherwise, baket namin kasama? hmmm... makes sense.
tapos, medyo nauuna daw kami sa paglalakad nung isa. bale nasa may likod namin si bes. tapos, sumigaw sya, pinigilan kami sa paghakbang. sabi nya, "wag dyan!" [wag dyan, wag dyan.. may kiliti ako dyan hehehe] eh pero derecho daw kami sa paglakad. tapos, para daw lumindol at bumuka ang lupang kinatatayuan namin nung "prend". tapos, unti-unti kaming nilalamon ng lupa. tapos, may tubig galing sa ilalim. naging parang dagat yung bumukang lupa. hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming nilamon ng tubig papalayo kay bes. kumakawag-kawag pa nga daw yung kamay ko na para akong nalulunod habang inaanod ng tubig. tapos... tapos na.
nakita nya ang sarili nyang nakatayo sa may gilid ng pinangyarihan ng krimen. hehehe. tamang onte na lang eh malalaglag na rin sya. swerte lang dahil nauna kami sa paglalakad nung "prend". somehow, parang nakita nya yung mangyayari kase pinigilan pa nya kami sa paglakad. tapos nun, ang lungkot-lungkot daw nya. nagising syang mangiyak-ngiyak.
tapos, naalala nya yung mga habilin ko sa kanya. ano na nga daw ba yung mga ipinagbilin ko sa kanya dati. hehehehe.
natakot sya... pano daw kung magkatotoo. sabi ko naman, panaginip lang yun. usually, ang panaginip, kabaligtaran ang nangyayari sa totoong buhay.
syempre, nag feeling dream interpreter naman ako. ako ata ang involved sa panaginip nya. AT NAMATAY LANG NAMAN AKO !!! scary.
sabi ko, siguro mamamatay na nga ako talaga. hehe. joke. siguro, somehow, may threat syang nararamdaman na baka may umaagaw na sa bespren nya. kaya sa dream, tatlo kami, tapos yung isa, faceless. aagawin ako sa kanya ng faceless na taong ito at isasama sa paglubog ng kumunoy. errr... drastic masyado. hehehe. pero nauuna kaming maglakad ng faceless na tao, nasa likod lang namin si bes. so parang in a way, naiiwanan ko sya dahil mas nagbibigay ako ng oras sa taong yun. na baka in the long run, tuluyan ko na syang ipagpalit at i-declare na lang isang araw na ang faceless na taong ito na ang bes ko!
sabi nya... siguro nga.
tapos, may mga binanggit sya na kapag daw kase magkasama kami, parang may hinahanap pa akong ibang tao. nung nanood kami ng avril, sabi ko, sana nandito si gracey. uyyy... lumalabas ang mga hinanakit. hehehe. pero tama naman sya dun. hindi naman sa hindi ako enjoy na sya lang ang kasama. ang akin lang, mas marami, mas masaya.
tapos, indirectly na sinabi nya na mas madalas daw akong mag-spend ng time kasama yung ibang mga friends ko.
isa lang ang isinagot ko sa sinabi nya... sabi ko : "eh may oras ka naman ba para sa'kin?"
magkasama kami sa trabaho. araw-araw kaming nagkikita. pero madalang kaming mag-usap. ang weird nga. magkasama kami mula umaga hanggang gabi, anim na araw sa isang linggo. pero hanggang office lang ang pagsasama namin. hindi na nga kami lumalabas. ang pinakalabas lang namin eh mag lunch out. madalas ko syang ayain gumimik pero parati syang tanggi. madaming reasons. most of the time, madami daw syang gagawin. trabaho, trabaho, at marami pang trabaho. pag inaaya ko syang sumama sa labas namin ng iba kong friends, ang parati nyang sinasabi, maa-out of place lang sya. reasons. excuses. ewan!
si bes ang taong balancing figure ko. kung gaano ako kakulit, ganun din sya ka-reserved. pero lately, natututo na rin syang mangulit. which is a good thing.
si bes ang taong may gustong sabihin pero kinikimkim. gustong magreklamo pero pinipilit manahimik. iyakin pero sinosolo ang sama ng loob. ako, kung ano gusto kong sabihin, sinasabi ko. ilag na lang ang mga tatamaan. pag gusto kong umiyak, umiiyak ako. wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng makakakita.
si bes ang taong ayaw na ayaw humingi ng tulong. minsan, obvious na obvious naman na hindi na nya kaya ang isang bagay, at oras na para humingi ng saklolo, pero mas gugustuhin nya pang magpakahirap kesa sabihin na... "oist, patulong naman." madalas kesa hindi, ipaparamdam nya sa'yo na hindi ka nya kailangan at kaya nyang mabuhay mag-isa. ako, pag hindi ko kaya, sisigaw agad ako ng "saklolo!!!" mas gusto kong ipaalam sa kapwa ko na kailangan ko sila sa buhay ko.
marami pa. maraming-marami pang differences. mas malamang nga ata ang differences kesa sa similarities naming dalawa. yan si bes.
pero kahit ganyan si bes, kahit maraming bagay kaming hindi pinagkakasunduan [na hindi namin nadi-discuss dahil nga mas gusto nyang manahimik at itago sa sarili nya ang opinions nya], kahit pa sabihing magkaibang-magkaiba kami... mahal ko yan.
minsan, itinanong ko sa kanya kung ano ang gagawin nya kung sakaling meron akong makaaway tapos ako yung mali. kakampihan ba n'ya ko? hindi sya nakasagot agad. pagkatapos ng mahabang pag-iisip, sabi nya, "hindi kita kakampihan kase ikaw yung mali, eh".
sabi ko... "yan ang malaking pagkakaiba natin. kase kung ikaw ang mapunta sa ganung situation, may nakaaway ka at ikaw yung mali, kakampihan pa rin kita. kase bestfriend kita, eh. kahit pa mali ka, parati akong nasa side mo. kakampihan kita sa harap nilang lahat. tapos, pag tayo na lang dalawa, tsaka ko sasabihin sa'yo kung ano yung sa palagay kong mali mo." yan ang bes ni bes.
siguro, kaya kong talikuran ang lahat ng mga kaibigan ko pwera lang si bes. nag-iisa lang kase yan. kahit madalas na napi-plip yan, at minsan medyo paling mag-isip, mahal ko yan. marami pa sigurong tao ang darating sa buhay ko pero hindi na ko makakakita ng pamalit kay bes. kahit siguro lamunin pa ko ng lupa na may tubig, pipilitin at pipilitin kong umahon pabalik sa kanya. iisa lang yata ang balancing figure ko sa buong mundo. :)
mahal na nga kita.
dahil sa simpleng sorry lang na sinabi mo,
muntik mo ng mapatulo ang mga luha ko.
1 message received
mahal : gud pm. sorry to disturb you. was trying to call you kaya lang kanina pa busy landline mo. anyway, just really wanted to say thanks for the package. ang lupet! galing mo.
reply... empty screen...
free na po ang line. pwede ng tumawag. [isip: ayoko ma-disappoint pag hindi 'to tumawag. ako na lang tatawag]
usap. discuss about the package and stuff.
[may nararamdaman akong sakit na hindi ko maintindihan. naiiyak ako na nanginginig ang kamay na ewan. jitters. magpatawa ka para hindi halata]
usap ulit. hang up.
1 message received
mahal : wala po ako masabi. i really owe you big time. you really went out of your way just to give me that. ty talaga. i appreciate it very much.
reply... empty screen...
sa'yo talaga kase yun, eh. i wanted so much to see you just to give that to you. kaso, ayaw mo naman ako makita. :)
1 message received
mahal : never ko po sinabi na ayaw kita makita. kung alam mo lang. hirap lang talaga humanap ng sked. pasensya na if kung ganun ang dating pero di talaga ganun. i also want to see you.
reply... empty screen...
kung alam ko lang? nde! nde ko alam! hehe. kung gusto talaga, may way naman eh. proven. nakahanap nga ako ng way to send you the gift, di ba? pero ok na yun. happy na 'ko. :)
1 message received
mahal : next week, nasa cavite ako, mga wed, may tutorial ako until 8pm. gusto mo meet tayo kahit sandali lang kaya lang late ka na makakauwi. yun lang inaalala ko. di bale, hatid naman kita.
reply... empty screen...
eh gaya ng dati, inform mo na lang ako. :)
1 message received
mahal : sorry kung nadala ka na, ha? isang tanong na lang. what time yung curfew mo?
reply... empty screen...
hehe. nde po ako nadala or anything. ganun lang talaga yun. bata lang ang may curfew.
1 message received
mahal : ah, ok. sabi mo yan. sige, inform you next week of the arrangements. ty ulit sa pen. ganda na tuloy ng sulat ko. hehehe.
reply... empty screen...
see? i told you, inform mo na lang ako. hehehe. mahalin mo yung pen, ha? mahal ka ng nagbigay nyan.
1 message received
mahal : mahal ko rin yung nagbigay. di nya lang alam at di lang napaparamdam sa kanya explicitly. pero alam ko, deep inside, alam nya. ingat po pag-uwi.
reply... empty screen...
drama mode on
first day of school for most students. hmm... so what? i'm not really sure. but i do know one thing. six months of waiting was more than enough. it's time to take the final step, to do the final act.
it's funny when you think about how things work. sometimes, things work out the way you wanted, but most of the time, they don't. and it's more often that not that when they don't work, it hurts.
maybe it was all a make-believe. it was all a big joke. it was all an act. it was all lies. it was all sweet words that meant nothing. all the while, you were telling me that you love me, but in reality, it wasn't true. you just made me see something that wasn't really there at all... these are my thoughts when i think about you these days... but i know you better than that. i still want to believe that you never meant to hurt me. that i was really special to you and that you weren't lying when you told me you love me. and then i'd simply tell myself that this is just one of the many times when things don't work out the way i wanted. it just wasn't meant to be.
i try not to, but i still look back at those days. five years is a very long time. i was building a very wonderful friendship with you and making you a part of my life. i was leaning on you, running to you whenever i was feeling down. and being your wise self, you've always had the right words to say at the right time. it went on for years. i was secretly calling you my soulmate. funny, right? i was like a child. and as it always does, the friendship led to something deeper. at least on my side. i just didn't know about yours. but do you still remember that time when i asked you... maniniwala ka ba kapag sinabi kong mahal kita? you simply said... maniniwala, kase mahal din kita. i was contented knowing it. i couldn't ask for more. and i didn't ask any other question after that. it was a magical moment for me. it still makes me smile whenever i think about that night. still... after all these years.
"i am smiling. and my friends are asking me why."
was it too much to assume that you were thinking about me and it made you smile? you were somewhere, with your friends. i was ... i don't know, i can't remember exactly. but i was for sure minding my own life when you sent me this message. i imagined that you were thinking of me, i just didn't know what your exact thoughts were, and then you were smiling without you knowing it, and then your friends saw you were smiling for no reason and asked why you were smiling. and then you sent me the message. i understand now why people smile after reading a text message or while they look at their phones. hehe. me and my thoughts. but maybe i was just assuming too much. if so, then be it.
hmmm... ok... admitted... it was a kilig moment. i actually have lots of kilig moments caused by you. i could go on forever mentioning them all... but i won't. this article is not for that.
we both know that during the long years of our friendship, i have lost you more than once. it was like one moment, you were there, then the next, you were gone. it would be long months of not hearing anything from you. and when i got used to not having you around, you would simply come back. and after a while, you would be gone again. and come back. it happened so many times. it was strange that you kept coming back. but i was always thankful everytime you did.
our friendship was somehow put to a test when your girlfriend broke up with you. i was feeling too bad for thinking that i was one of the reasons why she did. i couldn't blame her, though. there were lies on your part, and you certainly lied to her about me. things went sour. i guess it was luck that you got back together. and then i lost you again after that. when you became silent for a long time, i knew that i had lost you for good. i went on with my life and left all your good memories somewhere. life must go on, somehow.
but i was wrong. after what seemed like forever, you were back. it was maybe one of the reasons why i should be thankful for not changing numbers.
"i love you more than you will ever know. one day i just might let you experiece what i said."
so that was a very powerful statement. the previous year was the witness of it all. it was maybe during this time that our feelings for each other really grew deep. but as i always say, i can only speak for myself. i knew that deep inside me, i was loving you more and more. and i became too weary that one day, you might leave again for some reason. i came to a point when i had to tell you that if ever you will have a new girlfriend or you get married, tell the girl not to get jealous of me because i'm just a friend. like a nobody. i got scared that if the girl finds out about me, she will get really jealous and will make you stay away from me just like what happened before. i simply couldn't bear the thought of losing you again. not this time. not ever. and so i made you promise that whatever happens, you won't be gone again. and you promised that you will be there forever. you even joked that you will be my clown for the rest of my life. i held on to your every word.
and so i was having happy days with you. be it a movie, a quick lunch, phone conversations, endless exchange of text messages, even emails. you have been constantly telling me that you love me. and i was the same. i would be lying flat on my face if i will say i didn't hope for something more. i knew we had something more than friendship. it just wasn't the right time to go and have a formal, official relationship. you were too busy with your students, with school, with your papers, with everything. and you simply didn't have the time for.. well... a relationship. and so i got contented with what i have. as long as i know you love me, and as long as i know you are there for me, there is no reason for me not to be happy. one day you just might... one day. i have never had high hopes for anything except this one.
the months went by so fast. i wasn't seeing you as much as i wanted, but it was ok. like i said, as long as you are there, i'm happy. you still didn't fail to make me feel special. you still made me laugh. and then we went on to the next level that made me ask you a stupid question that well.. changed something. it was stupid, alright, but i told you something like what would you say if i asked you to be my official boyfriend from that time on. you said that i still don't know a lot of things about you and that i deserve someone better. it was meant to be a joke but the answer was way too serious and not funny at all. it was like a slap. because i had this belief that if someone tells you that you deserve someone better, it was just a polite way of saying i don't want you. it was... well... yeah... painful.. but i had to live with it as if nothing happened. whatever happened to one day i just might?
but you know what bothered me? i couldn't understand why you kept saying and making me feel you love me but you didn't want anything serious to do with me. for sure, you had your reasons. and whatever those reasons were, i have no other choice but to understand them. though i don't know them at all for you never said anything. i didn't dare ask. after all, i was just a friend. and a friend doesn't have the right to ask just anything.
maybe it was my fault that i didn't ask for answers. because up until now, i am still wondering about that. i am still longing for answers to the questions that i should have asked before, not knowing that these questions would be added with even bigger ones.
soon enough, it was december already. i was getting too excited about it, but i didn't know why. it was maybe still the last week of november and i was already thinking of what to give you on christmas. i'm not really into giving out expensive gifts but i wanted to give you something special. not really that expensive, but at least something a little bit out of the ordinary. it was a hard task, thinking of a special gift, that is. while i was busy looking out for gifts, i had no idea that you were also busy, not with work, not with school, but with something else.
i was hoping to see you before the year ends, but for the whole last three weeks of december, i didn't hear anything from you. you were very silent. you weren't replying to my texts, you weren't picking up my calls, you didn't greet me merry christmas, and worst of all, you didn't greet me on my birthday. strange. scary. i knew that something was terribly wrong. i just couldn't figure it out that time. first week of january and i still have nothing from you. i stopped texting. i stopped calling. i was furious, worried, but i couldn't do anything. what was there to do, anyway?
and then after a long silence, i finally received something from you. i was happy to see your name on my yahoo inbox. you sent me an email, that means you are fine. nothings serious happened or anything. i was thinking that maybe it was just one of your silent moods. but then, christmas and my birthday? i couldn't wait to open the email.
and then i was reading it and i thought i might have fainted. my heart was beating so fast and my hands were so cold. and i couldn't see anything except the computer screen. i couldn't believe that you were saying it through an email. you didn't even have the guts to see me in person to tell me that you got married? oh my god, is this for real? i had a very good reason to cry. i didn't even bother to go to the bathroom. i cried right there in front of my pc at my office table. i felt too weak to move.
so that was it. while i was busy looking for your christmas gift, you were too busy preparing for your wedding. it doesn't make sense. tons of questions came rushing through my mind. how did it happen? who was the girl? where was i in your life when all these confusing things were happening? i felt so stupid and lost, really.
i never thought that you are capable of hurting me that much. you, of all people.
it took me three days before i was able to answer your email. i had to play it cool. i was hurting... really hurting... everything happened so fast. i had so many questions... so many that i didn't know which one to ask first. i decided not to. there is a proper time for that. and i certainly didn't want to ask you anything in an email. i want my questions to be answered face to face. the only thing i asked you was if i could still see you. you said yes. and i wanted to see you more than ever.
there were three things on my mind that time: the christmas gift, my book, and my questions.
you said i could still see you. and for so many times during the last six months, you have been setting dates. and i was always counting the days til i can finally see you again. but strangely, something always comes up. life went on. the so called friendship still went on. i was stupid, maybe, but i still love you. and you were still consistent in saying that you still love me and you still care for me and that i will forever be special to you. that will never change, you said. you said it wasn't over between us. sometimes, i can't help but to think it's all crap. but i know you better than that. i still want to believe that you were true to your every word. but, funny, it always happened. you will set the date, you will cancel on the day itself saying that something came up. once, twice, three times... i could accept that. but it was happening for so many times already. i got tired of your excuse, which has always been "something came up". and just like before, i never knew of this something that kept coming up for you never said anything.
i still don't understand why it was so hard for you to see me. and what hurts me more is that you were always the one to bring it up and ask about when we are going to see each other again. and you were always the one to spoil it. it was like i was trying all the time to forget about it and then when i was just feeling all too ok, you will remind me of it again. what were you trying to do? i still don't get it. was it too hard for you because you were expecting me to get mad but i didn't? and after everything that has happened, i was still treating you good? was it because i didn't say anything bad? what if i reacted violenty? could things have been different? ahh.. questions.
i got tired of waiting. and for the first time in so many years, i began to doubt your words. i wasn't questioning your feelings for me, because in more ways than one, you were able to make me feel that you were sincere when you said you love me. i still want to believe you did. but it was tiring to wait for the day when i can see you again, only to feel frustrated when it doesn't happen. something came up. something always comes up.
sometimes, i can't help but to feel really sad. sadness mixed with confusion could sometimes lead to anger. but i have promised you years ago that i won't get angry at you no matter what happens and no matter what you do. i am a person of too few promises and once i make a promise, i'd rather die than to break it. but i won't lie. everytime you set a date and "something came up", i was too close to feeling angry. maybe you still have that email i sent you when i had an outburst. forgive me for that. you always found me to be the coolest person, but sometimes, i lose my cool, too.
little by little, i lost interest in my questions. i have learned to accept the fact that maybe these questions will remain unanswered. and what good will it do to me if i find out what really happened? i got hurt when you told me about it, and for sure, i will get hurt again when i hear all the details from you.
and after a while, i lost interest in my book. it was just a book. i can get another copy for myself if i wanted to. it was as easy as that.
it was also too easy for me to just forget about the christmas gift. i can simply forget the whole thing and go on with my life. but i was being too stubborn to let it all go just like that. i think it was too precious to just be kept inside my office drawer. i had to do somethng about it. i had to.
a few weeks ago, i got too frustrated because i haven't heard from you for so long. well, it always happens. you will be silent for a couple of weeks. no texts, no whatever. and when i got used to it already, you will suddenly text me as if nothing happened. just like the old days when you would be gone and would come back after a while. i think this thing will go on forever. once, i asked you if you still want me to be a part of your life or you want me out of it totally. you said you don't want to lose me and that you still want me to be here... so i am still here. but sometimes, the silence really makes me so sad and hurt. remember when you promised me that you will always be there? i have always held on to that promise. you know me. and you sure know that i have always been very easy to please. so when you ignore me for weeks, for months, i simply get hurt. and everytime, i would think that your silence was your way of telling me that you don't want me in your life anymore. thinking of it was painful enough. but i can't do anything about it.
during this time, i was so much thinking of ways to give you the gift. i don't know if he told you, but i contacted your bestfriend and asked him if he could see me. i was planning to give him the gift so he could hand it out to you. but my heart sank when he told me that you haven't seen each other for a long time and he wasn't sure if he will be seeing you soon. i immediately dropped the plan.
i remember that i was stupid enough to ask you one day if you can give me the address of the school so i can send you the gift via postmail. stupid because i was sure you won't give it to me, but i asked it anyway. you said you'd rather get it from me in person. oh yeah? then why not come and see me?
and so, my brain was rushing. i must find a way, i kept telling myself. i started searching the net. i should have done this a long time ago, but i didn't know exactly what to seach for. i didn't know the whole name of the school. all i know was that it was an exclusive school for boys and the name had a word that starts with an S [shall i say the word here? hehe. better not]. the results were like... brilliant. because some things were matching. the location of the school. the little things i know about the school. i started reading until i came across a page with your name on it. bingo!
i was smart after all. sure, i was. i was too excited that i wanted to send the gift via fedex that same day. but school was still out. i was too smart not to think that even if the students were on vacation, the teachers would still go to school. i had the guts to text you and ask you how you were and when will the classes start. i usually kept silent when you were silent, and i won't text unless you text me first. but for a good reason, i'd forget all about that text-me-first-and-i-text-you-back thing. you said that classes will start on june 14th. it was still the last week of may.
after that, you were silent again. and once again, i was attacked by silly ideas brought about by your silence. i should be thankful for that because it makes me become too creative and it makes me smarter. after all, i was in this state when i was able to search for the address of the school. i was talking to a friend about the fedex thing and that i was planning to give you something more. i was planning to burn a cd for you, farewell songs all burned on a black cd matched with a black cd casing. she said i was being bitter. i had a great laugh about it. me being bitter was so far from happening. i just wanted to get it over and done with. but come to think of it, maybe i was really becoming bitter. i handled everything way too coolly and maybe i couldn't admit to myself that i was feeling angry because of the pain i felt that i didn't notice i was already becoming bitter. but then, maybe not. i've had so many good memories of you and i won't allow myself to end up being bitter just because things didn't work out for us.
the next thing i know, i was downloading jill sobule's bitter and was using the song on my blog for two straight weeks.
i was thinking, maybe it really wasn't meant to be. i gave myself a deadline. if before june 14, we won't see each other, then i will definitely use the address that i searched on the net and fedex the gift to you. i am not certain if you will be able to receive it and it will be a long shot, but i'll take it anyway. two weeks ago, it almost happened. you asked me if i was free to see you and i was free, but i was sick. it almost happened, but it didn't.
and now, i am only a few hours away from executing my plan. i dropped the cd part, thanks to your text when i was sick. i told you, i come up with crazy ideas only when you treat me with silence.
i should be happy. finally. this is what i've always wanted to do. some sort of a closure. i didn't want to call it a closure. there wasn't anything to close in the first place. but i don't know. a part of me is feeling so sad about it. is this really the way i wanted things to end between us? as long as i am holding this gift, there is still a great chance of seeing you one last time. but it's been almost six months. give it another three months and it will be a year since i last saw you. this thing belongs to you and i would do everything i can to be able to give it to you. it's just sad that it has to be this way.
it's been a while. i haven't heard from you for two weeks now, and maybe i won't hear from you ever again. i'm being paranoid for saying that, i know. but you should know by now that i go crazy everytime you become too silent. i'm tired and sick of that feeling. i try not to be saddened by the thought that one day you will be gone for good. i don't know what's gonna happen after this. i guess i can say that i can finally go on with my life completely. i have moved on a long time ago because i didn't have any other choice. but now, i can fully say that it's over. i'm over it and there is no turning back.
sabi ng friend ko
tutal naman daw
single pa rin ako
liligawan daw nya 'ko
gagawin nya ko girlfriend
yan ang status ko sa ym for about a week, hindi dahil wala lang. talagang literal na umuubu-ubo ako ng isang linggo. madalas kaseng umulan. at ako ang taong walaaaannnggg kahilig-hilig magdala ng payong. ang katwiran ko, hindi naman umuulan nung umalis ako ng bahay, bakit ako magdadala ng payong? hehe. oo na, alam kong matigas ang ulo ko. ganun na talaga yun kahit dati pa.
linggo pa lang, medyo masama na ang pakiramdam ko. pero ayos lang. kaya pa. at dahil dalawang beses kung umulan [isa sa umaga, isa sa gabi], dalawang beses din akong nababasa sa isang araw... pataas din ng pataas ang level ng ubo ko. [totoong may iba't ibang levels ang ubo, hindi n'yo lang siguro alam]
tuloy ang buhay. trabahong walang humpay kahit isinisigaw na ng mga senses ko na 'hoy, may sakit ka, umuwi ka na!!!' ang reason ko naman, ayoko sa bahay, mainit. dito na lang ako sa office, libre aircon. libre din ang trangkaso. in fairness, monday pa lang eh umiinom na ako ng gamot sa ubo [carbosixteen hehehe]. ang gamot eh kamag-anak ng payong. kung ang payong eh dinadala lang kapag umalis ka ng bahay ng umuulan, ang gamot naman eh iniinom lang kapag feeling mo eh mamamatay ka na sa sakit.
wednesday, feeling ko, kelangan ko ng umabsent sa work. pero hell day yun, hindi pwedeng umabsent. hell day = bank day. walang ibang authorized pumunta sa bank kundi ako lang kaya pwede akong magkasakit, mamatayan, masunugan, at dapuan ng kung anu-ano pang kamalasan kahit anong araw, wag lang wednesday. sa 'mapagpala' kong mga kamay nakasalalay ang sweldo ng sangkatauhan. bwehehehehehe. kaya ayun, kahit medyo nilalagnat na at sobrang paos, pasok pa rin sa work. partida, nag-overtime pa ko nyan hanggang 9pm.
tinext ako ni sir last week. yun eh pagkatapos ng mga 15 years na wala syang paramdam. ang sabi nya, kelan daw kami magkikita. eh pag tinatanong nya 'ko ng ganito, natatawa na lang ako. pero sinagot ko na rin. sabi ko, kung seryoso yung tanong nya eh seryoso ko rin syang sasagutin ng.. ikaw, kung kelan ka pwede. sabay... NOOD TAYO STAR WARS!!! hehehe. sabi nya, either last week daw kami nonood or this week. ako naman, kiber lang. ok lang kung matutuloy, ok lang din kung hindi. sanay na ko. hmmm... walang sense ang mga pinagsasabi ko. pero may sense yan, maniwala ka. darating din tayo dyan.
anyways... after a week eh nag-text ulit si sir. sakto dahil wednesday din last week sya nag-text. nangungulit. nangangamusta. nagpaparamdam. siguro naisip nyang masyadong mahaba yung 15 years bago magparamdam ulit kaya one week na lang. sabi ko, still longing to watch star wars. tapos, biglang sabi... 'gusto mo, ngayon eh. libre ka ba? kung hindi, ok lang'.
putaena!! baket naman sa dinami-dami ng araw na aayain ako netong magkita eh ngayon pang nasa highest level ang ubo ko? [ubo!!! ubo!!!] taena talaga. 100 years na ang nakakaraan nung huli kaming magkita netong si sir. at marami 'tong utang sakin. ngayon na ang oras para maningil... eh pa'no 'ko maniningil kung gantong maysakit ako? paksyet talaga. paksyet na paksyet!!!
tinext back ko sya para tanungin kung ok lang bang may kasama syang sumisinghut-singhot at umuubu-ubo. eh syempre, hindi naman papayag yun na aalis kami kung maysakit ako. pero sabi nya, kung kaya ko daw, eh di sige. pero concerned lang sya. kung sick talaga ako, may next time pa naman. baka lang matuluyan akong magkasakit at hindi pa ako makapasok. eh isip ko, sayang naman. ang next time na sinasabi neto eh mga after 50 years pa siguro. tinawagan ko sya para patunayang wala naman akong sakit. ang una nyang sinabi pagkasagot nya ng phone eh baket daw boses lalaki ako. hahahahaha! gusto ko sanang tumuloy pero naisip ko rin na kung manonood kami ng star wars tapos eh aatakihin ako ng ubong non-stop eh hindi ata cool yun. kaya sabi ko, sige next time na lang. inasar ko na lang sya ng inasar na siguro masaya sya kase at least, hindi nya gagamitin ngayon ang gasgas nyang linyang "something came up". sa sobrang daming beses na syang nag-ayang magkita na hindi natuloy na ang parati nyang excuse eh something came up... ahhhhh basta.. darating tayo dyan.
siguro, mga 12:30am ng thursday, napagdesisyunan kong hindi ako papasok sa office. feeling ko kase, pati mga kuko ko sa paa eh inaapoy ng lagnat. at natulog ako'ng naka-jacket. pagpapatunay lang na inaamin ko na sa sarili kong maysakit nga ako.
masarap ang buhay sa bahay. tulog, kain, nood movie, tulog ulit, kain ulit, nood ulit. internet ng onte. telebabad ng onte. at syempre, ubo!!! hindi effective ang carbosixteen. kase naman, hindi rin gagaling ang sakit kung gamot lang. mas kelangan ang pahinga. kaya sinulit ko yung isang araw na hindi ako pumasok. nagpahinga talaga ako na parang wala ng bukas. ang sarap sana kung ganito araw-araw. hehehe.
tinawagan ako ni mommy. normally, monday yun tumatawag. kung hindi man eh gabi. pero tinawagan nya ko, past 9am. nakaramdam sigurong maysakit ang prinsesa nya. ayun.. inasar lang naman ako... kulang lang daw ako sa inom. wag na kayong magtaka kung baket ganito ako kakulet. mana kase sa'kin ang nanay ko.
nag-text ulit si sir... nangangamusta na naman ulet. sabi ko, sana tumuloy na lang kami kase hindi rin naman ako nakapasok. sabi nya, buti di tayo tumuloy kase baka di na kita inuwi nun at inalagaan na lang kita. waaahhhhhh!!!! taena, tunaw puso ko dun ah! ang lakas mambola amp! hehehehe.
tapos, friday, syempre, back to work na naman. hyper mode. kahit medyo maysakit pa rin, sige sa trabaho. na-miss ng isang araw ang mga papers, eh. pero umalis din ako ng maaga. nagkita kami ni gracey. hindi ko alam kung ikakatuwa nyang gracey ang tawag ko sa kanya ngayon dito. hehehe. pero nung minsang nag-post ako ng article sa mailing list ng bobongpinoy.com tungkol sa call center eh ginamit ko syang sample... at gracey ang ginamit kong code nya instead of her real name. ang luka-luka, nung mabasa ang article eh gusto na atang gracey na lang ang nickname nya eh samantalang galit na galit sya sa'kin dati pag tinatawag ko sya ng ganun. malapit sa puso ko 'to eh. eto ang taong pwede mong kausapin tungkol sa kahit anong bagay sa mundo. ka-share sa lahat ng topak at saloobin. sumbungan. kakulitan. may mga instances ngang nagbibiruan kami ng tanong na baket ba hindi tayo ang mag bestfriend? hehehe. matagal na rin kaming hindi nagkikita. siguro mga two weeks na. nyahahaha! dati, pag nagkikita kami eh sml lang parati ang katapat. at iisang bar lang ang pinupuntahan namin. ewan ko ba, may special something sa puso namin ang bar na yun kaya dun lang kami parati tumatambay pag gustong uminom. pero lately, iba ang trip namin. nung nagkita kami two weeks ago, kumain kami ng half choco roll ng goldilock's. tag-kalahati kami ng half. that makes it .... ahmmm... one-fourth? hehehe. sinet aside pa nga nya yung box kase baka daw magamit pa. natatawa kami parehas nung na-realize naming ubos na yung cake. ganun na ba talaga kami katakaw?
pero nung friday, ibang trip naman. tumitiwalag na nga ata kami sa masarap na parte ng buhay na kung tawagin eh alcohol. parehas kaming uubu-ubo kaya gamot sa ubo ang kinain namin. tapos, nagyosi kami. ansarap! nagmabait ako ng limang araw kaya halos isang linggong walang usok. tapos, syempre, kwentuhan, kwentuhan, at marami pang kwentuhan. hindi kami masyadong close. magka-ym kami five days a week, may phone sessions pa once in a while, tapos pag nagkita kami, kwentuhang umaatikabo na para bang antagal na naming hindi nakakapag-usap. hinde... hindi talaga kami masyadong close. pramis.
"gamot sa ubo"
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Location: Pasig City, Philippines
people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.
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