-::- here i am... this is me -::-

Sunday, October 31, 2004

bertdey bertdey!!!

birthday ngayon ng pinakapaborito kong bata sa buong mundo.
at mahal na mahal ko sya.

today is the birthday of my favorite kid in the world.
and i love him very much.

"si ipe"

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

magic flakes

sabi ni mj (isang sira ulong nilalang na kasama ko sa work. hehehe. biro lang, lola!), ang magic flakes daw, pagkain ng dukha. sobrang natawa ko sa reason nya kung baket naging pagkain ng dukha ang magic flakes. sa sobrang katuwaan eh nakalimutan ko kung ano yung sinabi nyang reason. at kanina ko pa iniisip kung ano nga yun. hindi ko talaga maalala. tinanong ko na rin sya kung ano nga ba yun pero nakalimutan na rin nya. hayyy...

masarap ang magic flakes. lalo na pag sasabayan mo ng mainit na kape. LALO na pag IHAHALO mo sa mainit na kape. yung medyo matamis ang pagkakatimpla para mas masarap.

sino ba nakakaalam kung ano ang tawag dun sa parte ng magic flakes na ... yung ano... yung madali mo sya mahahati kase parang hati na sya. pero hindi rin, eh. hindi sya hati pero pag hinati mo, mapuputol sya ng even... magiging tatlong piraso yung isang magic flakes mo. at pantay-pantay ang hati nya dahil nga dun sa ... demmit... kung sino nakakaalam kung ano tawag dun... please lang, pakisabi sakin kung ano!!!

asan na nga ako??

ahh... sa masarap na pagkain ng magic flakes at kape. madali lang gawin 'to. di ba ang magic flakes, apat ang laman? ah, siguro kaya sinabi ni mj na pagkain ng dukha yun eh dahil apat ang laman. di kagaya ng skyflakes na tatlo lang. eh kung ganun, ano ang tawag sa skyflakes, pamatid gutom ng sosyal? hmmm... pwede!

anyway... timpla muna ng kape. dagdagan ng mga tatlong butil yung normal na dami ng asukal na nilalagay mo sa kape mo para medyo matamis. tapos, kuha ng dalawang piraso ng magic flakes. dapat pantay ang paghawak para pantay din lahat pag hinati. hatiin sa tatlo. (ang sabi nung isa kong officemate, ang tawag daw sa parte ng magic flakes na madaling hatiin eh perforation. hindi ko lang sigurado kung papaniwalaan ko ang sinabi nya dahil parang wala yata sya sa matinong pag-iisip kagaya ko) di bale anim na piraso na. tapos, hawakan ng mahigpit at hatiin ulit sa gitna. wala na kong magagawa pag hindi na sya pantay-pantay, at hindi na rin importante yun. tip: itapat sa coffee mug (na may lamang coffee) ang magic flakes sa huling paghati para hindi masayang yung maliliit na piraso. tapos, sabay-sabay na ihulog sa kape ang mga magic flakes na pinaghirapan mong hatiin. hayaan mong mag-absorb sila ng kape pero wag mo masyado papatunawin dahil hindi na kaaya-ayang kainin yun. dapat tamang-tama lang ang pagkakabasa nya ng kape. tapos, pwede mo ng kainin ang masterpiece mo. (kelangan gumamit ng kutsara dahil mahirap yun kainin sa pamamagitan ng kamay) unti-unti lang ang pag-inom ng kapeng pinaghugasan mo ng magic flakes dahil may second batch pa. nakalimutan mo na bang apat ang magic flakes mo? pag naubos na yung mga lumulutang-lutang na magic flakes sa kape mo, pwede mo ng kunin yung natitirang dalawa at ulitin ang proseso. pag naubos na ulit, pwede mo ng inumin yung kape. wag kang mag alala dahil malinis yan kahit mukhang madumi. maarte ka lang talaga at gusto mo pang hinuhugasan yung magic flakes mo bago kainin. tip ulit: masarap yung mga maliliit na piraso ng magic flakes kaya diskartehan mo na lang na maisabay sya sa huling lagok ng kape mo.

ayan... tapos na kong kumain. at 5:30 na... uuwi na ko.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

love moves in mysterious ways

-julia fordham-

Who'd have thought
This is how the pieces fit?
You and I
Shouldn't even try making sense of it

I forgot
How we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons
but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows
Love is just a chance we take
We make plans
But then love demands a leap of faith

So hold me close
And never let me go
'Cause even though we think we know
which way the river flows
That's not the way love goes

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Like the ticking of the clock
two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
the ways it's done

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Love moves in mysterious ways ...

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

moment of truth

it could have been the first month.
too close to being...
but not quite.

some thoughts

just because you don't see me doesn't mean i'm not there.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

to trust or not to trust

this is not about condoms.. you dirty-minded you...

seriously now...

"i trust you with my life."

has anyone said this statement to you? if your answer is yes... then you are one of the lucky ones.

let's face it. it is not an easy thing. the world is so full of hypocrites. you can't tell which ones are true, and which ones are fake. like they say... not all that glitters is gold. you can't even tell if the person whom you thought will be with you through thick and thin was actually plotting schemes to drag you down.

i used to trust people too easily. one day you are a stranger to me. next day you are a friend. and before we know it, i am already laying down my cards and telling you even the smallest secrets that i have.

but i eventually learned my lesson. after some bad experiences with 'trusted friends', i finally came to my senses. there's only one rule in playing the game : never to trust just anybody.

if i find it hard to trust others, i expect others to find it hard to trust me as well. it's like.. if i don't trust you, then why would i expect you to trust me? one rule, remember?

so i was kind of surprised (and honestly flattered) when one of my friends came to me and revealed one of her most precious secrets. and a huge one at that (so huge that i can't say it here... sorry.. hehehe).

at first i was like... woah!! really?!? and then the thing started sinking in and i was ok with it. totally ok.

what was her secret? that's beside the point. what i'm trying to say here is that it feels really good to know that someone trusts you with everything. it was a risky move on her part because i could simply spread the word and tell her thing to everyone who knows her. for the record, she said i was the second person that she shared it with. can you believe that? second??? and she has like... hundreds of friends?!!! for me, that's something. and she said she felt relieved that she was finally able to tell me about it. hmmm... that's more than something. definitely. i was deeply touched.

i'm not sure why i am making it such a big deal, but i felt good about myself today. it's been a long time since someone has made me feel good about myself. it's like i'm finally making sense to somebody's life again. oh well...

trust is something which you don't just pick up from somewhere. it is something that you must earn. and in a hard way. and once you earn it, be responsible. take care of it and never let it slip away. because you'll never know... someone might actually be trusting you with his life.

do you wanna know a secret?

Monday, October 18, 2004

writer's block... for real

Saturday, October 16, 2004

writer's block

she comes face to face with him
trembling hands
heart beating fast
with tears in her eyes
she tries to speak
but couldn't find the words
he comes closer
opens his arms wide
offers her a warm hug
she accepts
he holds her tight
tells her to hush
whispers to her... "it's ok"
she sobs
and little by little
she falls asleep in his arms like a baby.

Monday, October 11, 2004

423 [reload]

i have never imagined this moment to happen. this is the first time i got to you this close. this could probably be the last time, too. but it doesn't matter. i don't know what's gonna happen next, and i don't care. this... right here... right now... in the four corners of this room... this is what matters most.

i don't know how heaven feels but i think it's close to what i feel now. it's an overwhelming feeling to have your body next to mine. too close. too intimate. as if there's no one else in the world but us.

i love how it feels to run my fingers through your hair. i have always wanted to do that. to feel every inch of your body was a dream. now, it becomes real. too real.

i love it when you whisper to my ear and you play with my hair, when you say that my body is so smooth to touch and my hair smells great. you should see the smile on my face when you do that.

it is so good to listen to you heartbeat as i lean my head against your chest while we talk about things that practically make no sense. i just love talking to you so much because i love hearing your voice. so calm and sweet.

i don't want to let go when you wrap your arms around me, telling me that it is so nice to hug me because my body feels so warm. human heat. that's what you call it.

there is something about the way you hold my hand and you play with my fingers. something unexplainable. something that no amount of words can describe. i loved holding your hand the first day i saw you. i still do. much more now than before.

i don't want this feeling to end. if i can stop the clock, i will do it just right now. because i can live the rest of my life just like this. you lying here, me resting my head on your chest... you hugging me so tight. too close. too intimate. the way i've always wanted.

i was a lost soul.
you found me.
i became one with you.

is this real?
or am i just dreaming?
if this is a dream...
then let me sleep forever.

*** savor the experience

Sunday, October 10, 2004

for you

when i'm troubled
when i'm down
when i'm sad
when i feel like running away
why is it always you
that comes first to my mind?

we want to share our joy to the people we love.
we want to share our troubles to the people we love more.
if this is true
does it mean i love you this much?

i feel so alone.
i just wish you are here.

some thoughts

some people are lucky enough to realize what they want to be. others spend their whole lives figuring it out.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

last night?

where were you last night? this is probably the question that everybody's been asking everybody. me? i was.. in.. the bathroom.

i was all hooked up with the book i was reading. i was reading for some two hours, i think. it could have been longer if i didn't have to go to the bathroom to... well... what do people do in bathrooms?

i was sitting on that little white thing and waiting for the liquid to get out (hehehe. damn, i'm bad at this) when i felt like the earth is shaking. i told myself it can't be. i was just feeling a bit dizzy because i've been reading a lot. and my head was aching a little. but when i looked at the bathroom mirror, it was moving. i wasn't convinced. i was in denial. yeah, that was a better way to describe it. in denial. i needed another proof. i looked at the pail of water and it was moving, too. oh, my lord. so the earth was really shaking. i suddenly felt dry. no need to wait anymore. i ran out of the bathroom and out of the house.

i've always been scared of earthquakes. well, who isn't. last night, the feeling was so intense. it was horrible, i almost cried. i felt like i was back in third year high. the baguio earthquake. i remember that day very clearly. we were inside the classroom. the rain just stopped. then the chairs started moving by themselves. we were stunned. we froze. it took us a while to realize what was happening. maybe because none of us had experienced it before. and then all of a sudden, everyone was going out of the classroom. all the people were screaming... crying. young, old, girls, and boys. it was like everything was shaking and the earth will open anytime and eat us all up. my head was spinning. my heart was beating so fast that it felt like it was going to come out of my chest. i wanted to cry and needed to be comforted, but there was no one to comfort me, for everybody else was crying, too. i wanted to run, but run where? i wanted to hide, but hide from what? i thought the shaking would never end. it was confusing. i was surrounded by so many people yet i felt so alone. and scared. all that feeling came back last night.

today, i was thinking about it. i still feel scared. and sometimes, i feel like it was shaking again when in fact, it's not. i will be like this for a couple more days. it happens everytime - my so called self after shocks.

why am i writing this thing? no reason. i was just reminded of it because it happened around this time last night. and same time the night before it happened, i was watching a movie with a friend. a scary movie. and it crossed my mind... what if it happened one day earlier? dammit, i don't even wanna think about it.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

fairy dust

when i turned on my laptop, i wanted to write something happy. something positive. something that feels good. so i fixed myself a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette and started to write. feeling writer, eh. hehe. coffee and cigarette.. sabi ni mahal, ganyan daw ang trip ng mga writers pag nagsusulat sila. eh wala eh... nagfi-feeling eh. bwehehehehe.

i finished half the cup of coffee and one cigarette in no time. but there was nothing in my screen. i lit another one. i turned off the lights. darkness usually gives me great ideas. something happy. something good. something positive.

and the result? well... just go look at the previous post.

someone, a close friend at that, told me the other day that i am a 100% bitch. oh yeah? sure, i was on this 'bitch mode on' since the start of the week, but i was still trying to be nice and calm. i kept my mouth shut so as to avoid saying something bitchy. i stayed quiet. i was having hell days at work. being called a 100% bitch doesnt help at all. you have been so nice, pal. thank you sooo much. it was your lucky day. or else, i could have shown you how bitchy i can be.

as i was saying, i wanted to come up with something nice. some writings that will make me smile when i read it. i was challenging myself, convincing myself that i can feel great even if i don't. but it was kinda tough writing something happy when you are feeling otherwise.

i used to say happiness is just a state of mind. my mind controls my emotion. i can be happy when i want to. and i can be freaking sad even if everyone else around me is laughing. if i want to.

peter pan said... just think of lovely wonderful thoughts and they will lift you up in the air.

think of happy thoughts... for happy thoughts can make you fly. this often works for me. but not this time.


i sit in one corner
darkness fills the air
i feel pain
and i don't know
where it's coming from.

is it coming from an old wound
something which i thought
has been healed by time
has it been healed
how come it still hurts?

i close my eyes
and try to forget the pain
but as i close my eyes
the pain remains
and i see you face.

i held my breath
as the things that we said
and the love that we shared
came rushing through my mind
then i cry.

bitter sweet memories
of our not so distant past
must i forget? let go?
it might take the pain away
it just might.

i feel pain
and i know
where it's coming from
i know how to stop it
but i won't.

pain is all that's left of you
i must embrace it
i must not let it go
for this is the only way
that you can still be a part of me.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

title? hmm....

i think i had a very nice sleep last night. it was a new day and the headache was gone. great. though i was still feeling kinda weird. it seems like i'm not breathing normally, like there is a lump in my throat and the air couldn't go through to my lungs. i'm feeling a bit dizzy, too. a part of my head still throbs from time to time. am i sick? hmmm... nah.. maybe just tired.

i've had high spirits at work. i've done so much for a day. perhaps, the work energy has come back. though i'm still considering finding another job. but the manager was so nice to me today, extra nice that i have to reconsider the consideration. what the hell did i just say??

we had a game at the office. the annual mooncake game in celebration of the chinese mooncake festival. it was fun. somebody won as much as 3.5k. me? well... i won some chips and candies and little mooncakes, and at the end of the game, i'm two hundread and forty bucks richer. what a game. but it was fun.. yeah.. fun. :)

i was supposed to meet with a friend after work and watch a movie we've been wanting to see since last week. but the bastard [kidding, gyvie hehe] sent me a message an hour before the set time, informing me that he couldn't make it. he said something like being trapped at a birthday party and couldn't leave. excuses, excuses. but it was ok. it was partly my fault. we were supposed to go to the movies last saturday but i backed out. it so happened that watching BLUE was far more exciting. don't kill me, mate. i'm just kidding here. bweehee.

well, anyways... i'll go straight to the highlight of my day. i bought myself chocolate moo on my way home. that was it. end.

nakita ko sya ulet

siguro, mga dalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan... nasa pilahan kami ng fx nun pauwi galing trabaho. kasama ko si bestfriend tsaka yung isa pa naming officemate. medyo maaga pa nun. mahaba ang pila. hindi ako sanay. kunsabagay, hindi rin naman ako sanay umuwi ng maaga. mainit. nakakainip. gutom pa ko kaya medyo iritado. wish ko lang, sana dumating na ang susunod na fax para mabawasan ang mga tao sa pila. para mabawasan din ang tila walang hanggang paghihintay.

may lumapit na bata. siguro mga sampung taon. babae. may hawak na plastic cup. nanghihingi ng piso. normal na ang ganitong exsena sa pilahan ng fx. minsan nga, may mga matatanda pang namamalimos. hindi ako nagbibigay ng pera sa mga ganito. hindi kase ako naniniwalang kailangan mamalimos ng tao para mabuhay. ah basta! mahabang argumento. sabi ng bata... pwede pong humingi ng piso? pambili lang ng pagkain. aba! gusto ko syang tanungin kung saan nakakabili ng tagpipisong pagkain. babalahurain ko sana. pero pagtingin ko sa kanya, nakita ko, medyo hindi pantay yung mga mata nya. tapos may puting kung ano dun sa kaliwa nyang mata. tinanong ko sya... ano yang nasa mata mo? sumagot sya... katarata po. naisip ko, katarata? di ba sakit ng matatanda yun? tsaka pag hindi nagamot, pwede syang mabulag. tapos mahahawa yung isa nyang mata. tapos mabubulag din. naawa ako sa bata. sa sobrang awa eh parang gusto ko na syang ampunin. binigyan ko sya ng piso. eh piso lang ang hinihingi eh. pag binigyan ko ng sobra, tinuruan ko pa syang maging abusado. hehehe. tapos umalis na sya. iniisa-isa nya lahat ng tao sa pila. hinihingian nya lahat ng piso. kung may isandaang tao pala sa pila, piso kada tao, may isandaang piso sya. easy money. walang kahirap-hirap. makapanglimos na lang kaya? magandang ideya.

hindi maalis-alis ang tingin ko sa kanya. gusto ko syang tawagin ulit para ibigay na lahat ng barya ko sa coin purse. pati pamasahe ko sa fx kung gusto nya. pero ewan ko ba... matigas talaga ang loob kong sabihing ayokong magbigay ng pera sa mga namamalimos. nagpaalam ako kay bestfriend, sabi ko sandali lang. pumunta ako sa julie's. bumili ako ng tinapay. nilapitan ko yung bata. kinalabit. tapos ibinigay ko yung supot ng tinapay. nagpasalamat sya. yun na ata ang pinaka-sincere na 'salamat po' na narinig ko sa buong buhay ko. parang gusto pa nyang maiyak sa tuwa. parang gusto ko na syang iuwi sa bahay namin.

pagkatapos ng isang dekada, dumating din ang fx. habang nasa fx ako pauwi, naiisip ko pa rin sya. naisip ko kung anong kinabukasan ang meron sya. kung nag-aaral ba sya. nasaan ang nanay nya. san sya nakatira. kung anu-anong tanong na hindi ko naman kayang sagutin. kaya napagpasyahan kong matulog na lang sa byahe. pero sana... sana makita ko sya ulit.

pero hindi ko na sya nakita ulit. gabi-gabi, sa sakayan ng fx pauwi, lagi ko syang hinahanap. baka sakaling nandun ulit sya at nanghihingi ng piso pambili ng pagkain. pero wala eh. malas.

kanina, nakita ko sya ulit. wala na syang hawak na plastic cup. pero nanghihingi pa rin sya ng piso sa mga tao. pambili ulit ata ng pagkain. hindi ko narinig ang sinasabi nya eh. malayo kasi sya. hindi na muna ko pumunta sa pila. baka kase lumapit sya sa'kin at humingi ulit ng piso. abuso na yun. pumunta ko sa julie's. bumili ako ng tinapay. tapos nilapitan ko sya. kinalabit. parang yung pagkalabit ko sa kanya nung una ko syang nakita. ibinigay ko yung supot. inabot nya. tiningnan nya yung supot. tumingin sya sakin. hindi ko alam, guni-guni siguro pero nakita kong kumislap yung mga mata nya. sabay sabi... si ate! kilala kita! ngumiti sya, sabay sabi ulit.. salamat po. ngumiti lang ako, sabay talikod papunta sa pila. paglingon ko, nakatingin pa rin sya sakin. nakangiti. may ningning sa mga mata. mas makislap siguro yung mga mata nya kung walang kulay puting tumatabing. kinawayan ko sya papalapit sakin. tapos, binigay ko yung chocolate moo na binili ko bago ako pumunta sa sakayan. naisip ko kasing mas masarap sigurong kainin yung tinapay kung may chocolate moo. nagpasalamat sya ulit. sabi ko, kainin nya yung binigay ko. tapos sumakay na ko ng fx. mabait na bata. marunong sumunod sa utos. dahil nakita ko pa yung unang kagat nya sa tinapay at unang sipsip sa chocolate moo bago tuluyang umalis yung fx na sinasakyan ko.

mas ok pala umuwi ng maaga kesa manood ng sine. mas masarap ang tulog ko sa byahe pauwi. kasabay ng mas matinding dasal na sana makita ko sya ulit bukas.

Saturday, October 02, 2004


it's the beginning of the month. but i don't know.. i'm a bit feeling low. i've been nursing this headache for two days now. kind of unusual. headaches aren't supposed to last this long. been wanting to take headache pills but i couldn't... for some bloody reason. hehe. i don't feel like doing the usual stuff that i do. i sleep very late and wake up like i have all the time in the world to prepare for work. i'm not being productive at work. well, not that i don't do my job like i should. i still do. but not at the usual speed, if you ever call that speed. my drawers are starting to be filled with papers. not to mention that i have to meet my deadline , which is some five days away, for my end of the month sales and collection reports. arrrggg!!!! what the hell is wrong with me?

i've long been wanting to have a copy of mitch albom's the five people you meet in heaven. i finally got myself one last saturday. if i was my usual self, i should have finished the book by now. but heck, it's been a week and i havent even touched it. me? having a new book and not spending my sleepless nights reading it? again... what the hell is wrong with me?

i have to freshen up. i have to take a break from all these things. i have to socialize. i have to meet new people. i have to do something new. maybe i should get a new haircut. OR maybe i should just find myself a new job. this routine is making me sick. doing the same things everyday, six days a week. sometimes, seven. where is the life in that?

ahh.. tomorrow is a new day. i just wish the headache will be gone when i wake up. maybe things will be better when it's gone. but first, i have to leave this office and go home. sigh.

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

-::- About Me -::-

Name: shadowlane

Location: Pasig City, Philippines

people think i'm crazy. most of the time they're right.

Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com